


Red Side of The Moon

by wekingsandprettythings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Bullying, Coming Out, Falling In Love, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Smut, being outed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2020-07-21 07:50:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19998445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: Dan Howell is a scared gay teenager recovering from being the victim of a gay hate crime, he’s recently been relocated to a small area of Manchester. Phil Lester is a college student who has recently been outed to the community he used to belong to. Dan reaches out to him in an attempt to make a friend and feel accepted. Friendship blossoms and they struggle to deal with the deep feelings that come with it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to krissyxlove for proofing and editing with me, i appreciate it! as well as miss watergator for being the first to read and give me the courage to go through with this idea<3

Moving to a new town and going to a new school at 17 wasn’t something Dan thought he’d ever have to do. Being bullied, attacked and beaten half to death resulting in his dad moving their whole family 3 hours north wasn’t something he expected either, but here he was in Manchester wishing it was easier. He didn’t mind that this was his life, he felt a bit safer now than he did before but he was still traumatized. 

Manchester was a lot nicer than Reading was. It was cleaner somehow, not by much, but the people seemed to care for their community more here. And the school was a little nicer too, he mainly liked the fact that it was a mixed-gender school and not a boys-only hellscape like his last one. 

The first few weeks were hard, having started 7 weeks into the semester he had a lot of work to catch up on while simultaneously helping his mum unpack the house. It was a cute little place, enough for him and his siblings to actually have their own rooms this time. His mum had space for an office, she was able to move her business with them, unlike his dad. 

His dad stayed in Reading, living with his parents during the week and coming up for the weekends. He didn’t mind, none of them did really. His mum said distance was better for them, it made them love each other a little more. It made seeing each other feel special again. Dan thought it was a lie to make him feel less bad about the move, but they did seem a lot happier together since the move. 

He walked the hallways in a new uniform, one that actually fit because his mum knew he wouldn’t be doing much more growing in the year he had left. The colours were nicer here, he looked good in red, not that ugly green and blue he used to rep. The gay slurs weren’t as heavily used here, especially not on the new kid. He’s heard it used on other kids, heard it in reference to someone's mum once saying they can't go to a party, and about an overload of homework. But for the first time in 6 years, no one has called him gay. 

He sat down for lunch with the two friends he’s made so far, two girls named Cassidy and Lauren. They were in his year, they all had English together, luckily he had French and Math with Lauren too. She was the nicest person he’s ever known. She took him around on the first day, helped him find his classes and she’s let him sit with her and her friends every day at lunch. 

“Did you hear?” Cassidy spoke, raising her eyebrows at Lauren. 

“‘Bout?” 

“Do you remember that Phil Lester kid? Graduated a few years back?” 

Lauren thought for a moment, “Uh, he’s the one that brought a balloon to prom?” 

Dan laughed, “really?” 

“Oh yeah, painted a face on it and called it Stephen and everything,” she explained through a giggle. 

“Turns out he’s gay,” Cassidy said with a smile. 

Dan swallowed sharply, he didn’t know how they felt about gay people. He didn’t want them to know he was possibly gay, he didn’t want to give it away with his face to anything he could say so he stuffed his face with some chocolate pudding and pretended to stare off. 

“Makes sense, how’d you find out?” Lauren asked, not sounding shocked or disgusted which eased him a bit. 

“You know how Sarah and Ian are dating right? Ian and Phil are like best friends and basically, someone found Phil on a dating site and he’s like out and everything at Uni but no one here knew so Ian like confronted him or whatever and Phil was like yeah and? Got a problem or something?” 

“Well did he?” Dan cut in.

“Look at you likin’ the gossip!” Cassidy cheered, “but yeah, no he was fine, we all are. It’s cool that he’s gay actually, I wish I had a gay friend.” 

“There was a gay kid at my old school,” Dan said, his stomach turning as he spoke. “He got the shit kicked out of him real bad, he almost died.” 

“That’s disgusting! Some people are just gay and they shouldn’t be attacked for it, it’s not like they do anything wrong, all they want to do is love and be loved.” Lauren got angry, she was passionate about it, which made Dan feel safe and okay. Like maybe he could come out around Uni and they’d still want to talk to him. 

The bell rang before he could say anything else and dig himself into a bigger hole. They said their goodbyes and he made his way to Law all on his own. Sitting in the back, working on a worksheet about the different types of civil lawsuits. But all he could think about was this Phil kid, the fact he was out and seemingly still loved, and how he wanted to know him.

At home, after dinner and a phone call from his nan, he sat in his room on his laptop. He went to Cassidy’s myspace page, looking through her friends to find some guy named Phil. There were two guys there. Phil Lester and Phil McCain. 

McCain was buff, lived on a farm and took photos with his cows. He didn’t look gay in the slightest, then again, Dan thought; how did gay even look?

Lester on the other hand, he had black hair like Dan’s, a messy fringe that was way too long and covered his eyes. He took photos from a weird high angle, he was interested in MCR and Muse, and in his bio, he was openly gay. Dan couldn’t take his eyes off him. 

He was about 2 years down his profile when his sister knocked on his door. “Hi.” 

He smiled at her, he loved his sister an unusual amount for a sibling but she was his only friend as a kid. “Hey pops.”

Poppy was 14 now, their little brother Adrian was 11, they were all growing up at a rate their mother didn’t like. “What’cha doin’?” she asked, sitting beside him on his bed and looking at his screen. 

“Oh nothing, my friend has a crush on this guy I’m just seeing if he’s cool.” he lied. 

“Huh, do you have a crush on her or something?” she asked, nudging his arm. 

“I mean, she’s really pretty but I don’t think I want to ruin a friendship I just started by liking her, you know?”

“Yeah. I haven’t made any new friends yet,” she said, and Dan could hear how sad she was. 

It broke his heart, it was his fault that they moved and she lost her friends. She was the social kid in their family. She had a friend in every grade it seemed, she was always going out and being at parties and she was loved by everyone. More than once kids asked if Poppy was his cousin cause they just seemed too different to be siblings. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s fine. The girls here are weird, I’m not going to lie, like, it’s not me. I’m just not really wanting to be their friend is the thing.” she admitted, “I feel like a bitch for saying that but I just don't like them.” 

“Then maybe try being friends with the boys? You always got on better with them in Reading anyway,” he suggested. 

“Yeah, the boys have less drama they just kick the shit out of each other and move on.” she didn’t even realize she said it till it was too late. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” 

She placed her hand on his shoulder, “No Dan, that was fucked up I didn’t mean it.” 

“It’s okay, I wish it really was easy like that though. I wish it was just drama and one punch ended it all, but it’s more than that,” he admitted, his head hung low. 

“I know,” she whispered. “Aaron’s sister told me.” 

Tears welled in his eyes, “he knows nothing.” 

“I still love you regardless,” 

“I’m not gay.” he whispered, “I just like boys too.” Tears streamed down his face, he wiped them off in a panic, the last thing he wanted was to cry like this in front of his baby sister. He was supposed to be her strong older brother but he just wasn’t able to be that. 

“I’ve had a crush on Kate Simmons since year five,” she admitted. “I don't like boys at all.” 

It startled him a bit, “you’re kidding? What are you like making fun of me or trying to make me feel better?” 

“No! You’re the only one who knows, honest, I’m not straight either,” she said. She wasn’t emotional, she didn’t look scared. 

“This Phil guy, he’s from around here and apparently just came out which is why I’m on his profile.” he was vulnerable right back. 

“He’s cute, you should message him.” she encouraged him, shaking his arm. 

“And say what?” 

“Look,” she said, pointing at a photo of him sitting on the floor holding a muse album that Dan also had. “He likes muse, you like muse, send him a message!” 

“Go away and maybe I’ll message him,” Dan said with a smile. 

“You better, or I’m going to bug you on the bus in the morning,” she said, getting off his bed with a bounce.

“You do that anyway!” 

“It’s not like we have other friends dork,” she teased as she left, closing his door.

“You’re lucky I love you!” he yelled through the door. 

“Whatever!” 

He stared at Phil’s profile with the message box opened for a while, typing and erasing many things before biting the bullet. He took a deep breath and just sent the first non-creepy thing he could think of.

Dan: hey i’m new in Rawtenstall, i heard you went to school here and you like muse, just like me. i haven’t really made any friends here but i thought we’d get on well. sorry if this is weird.

He wasn’t expecting a fast reply, the guy was at uni probably living his best life and didn’t have time to answer messages from kids he didn’t know. So he closed his laptop and went to bed for the night. He was hopeful, Phil didn’t look like an asshole, maybe he’d be kind to him. 

Dan needed someone to be kind to him. 

Mornings in his new room were something he’ll never grow tired of. Sure, he’s exhausted, but the sun shines through his double-paned windows onto his white walls and he loved it. The golden glow of the day, the birds chirping outside and his mother standing in his doorway with a smile. 

“Morning love, it’s time to get up the bus will be here in an hour,” she said softly. 

“Okay,” he replied, yawning with his arms raised in the air. 

“I’m making french toast, Adrian requested it. Would you like some?” she asked.

“Please, I’m just going to shower and I’ll be down soon.”

“Okay love,” she said, closing his door. 

His room was nice now. He finally had a space that was cute and his. He hung his posters in frames, he got a desk from a used furniture place and re-painted it with his mum. He shouldn’t be so genuinely happy over having a cute bedroom, but he’s genuinely happy about it. His room is his safe space and he’s finally happy with it. 

The first thing he does every morning is open his computer, his stomach bubbles with anxiety as he refreshes his myspace to see if Phil has messaged him back. There's a little red notification in the corner of his screen. He wasn’t ready to check it, he didn’t want to talk to him. But he did.

He wanted a friend, he wanted someone he could talk to about being gay. He wanted someone who could know and not think he was gross. Someone who wasn’t his sister. So, he took a deep breath and opened the chat back up. 

Phil: hi ^__^ not weird at all! i know what it’s like to start a new school and feel alone, but muse is the best way to be my friend! i don’t know anyone irl who likes them too!!! 

Dan’s heart was bursting through his chest. This guy wasn’t just cute to look at, he had an adorable personality and in just this one message he knew he was a good guy. He felt like maybe this could work, maybe he’d make a real friend, maybe he’d feel safe. He was hopeful. 

Dan: :D yey! i’m going to be honest, i have never been good at making friends but i'd really like to get to know you, you seem nice! i’d love to chat more when i come home from school? 

He left it at that and went to shower. He couldn’t stop smiling through everything that morning, so much so he got soap in his mouth while washing his hair, making him shake his head and laugh because he felt euphoric in the shower for a different reason than normal this morning. 

His mum noticed, she didn't comment on it but she gave him a big hug before he got on the bus and she told him she loved him. She’s said it a lot more since everything that happened, she has always loved him and of course, he knew that, but he guesses that almost losing him made her love him or just appreciate him just a little bit more. 

Poppy sat beside him on the bus, both of them holding their bags on their laps. They shared a pair of headphones, listening to evanescence together in silence as the travelled down bumpy back roads and tried not to fall asleep. He felt okay, and that was a big step above how he used to feel on his way to school. 

Poppy noticed how calm he was, reaching her hand out she placed it on his knee and smiled at him. “I’m proud of you,” she whispered towards him. 

He smiled wider, “I’m proud of you too.”


	2. Chapter 2

For a month Dan and Phil talked on MSN every day after school right until Dan had to go to bed. He was the only person in the whole world who made it easy to be friends. He was so willing to talk and listen and he made conversation and kept it up, they never got bored with each other. 

They both loved muse, Phil was studying English and he was thinking of doing a degree in post-production and special effects next. Dan told him all about how his dad worked on movies and maybe he could help Phil get a job with someone he's worked with. he genuinely loved talking to Phil every day and learning all about him. 

Phil: i’m going to be home on friday, mum will want to have like family dinner and things the first night but on saturday would you want to come over? 

Dan read it over a million and one times, his stomach bubbled with anxiety and butterflies at all the possibilities of what could happen. He really liked Phil. He was the nicest person Dan had ever talked to and he was scared that meeting face to face would fuck that all up. 

He was a rambler, he didn’t know when to stop talking and he was bullied for that at his old school. He was never cool, he didn’t have the right things to say and on top of all of that Phil was older than him and seemingly amazing. He didn’t want to fuck anything up. 

Dan: sure!! I’m pretty weird and nerdy tho so i apologize in advance if i’m too weird. 

Phil: no worries mate, i’m very weird too ^__^ I cant wait to meet you! Maybe bring some textbooks and things, i told my mum that you need an english tutor so that’s why we’ve been talking she’d think it’s weird for me to meet someone on the internet even if you do live so close lol

Dan smiled at his screen like a total loser, he was way too happy to have a friend finally. It felt so good and pure like his heart could burst. 

Dan: sure thing, it’ll probably ease my mums feelings too knowing i’m not going to get murdered by a stranger lmao

Phil sent him his address and asked him to come around noon that day so they could get a good amount of hanging out in before he had to have dinner with his family and Dan’s heart was in his stomach. He logged off and went to see his sister, she was the only one so far that knew about Phil. 

Her room was way less put together than Dan’s was. She still hadn’t unpacked her boxes, her bed was the only furniture she had put together and her clothes were everywhere. She was laying on her bed with headphones in, her legs stretched up along the wall. She was staring at her feet like she was overthinking something. 

He sat on her bed, she smiled at him and took a headphone out. “Close the door and lay down with me?” she asked softly. 

“Yeah,” he said, doing as she asked. 

He laid down beside her with his butt against the wall and his legs stretched up longer than hers. She gave him a headphone and the two of them sat in silence listening to Evanescence before she turned to look at him. 

“I want to come out,” she whispered. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s just hard not getting to be myself. I like girls and I want to have experiences with them and not have to force myself to get with boys just to feel like a teenager.” she looked and sounded like she wanted to cry. 

“If you do come out, I’ll be right here to support you. I think mum and nana will be fine with it, Adrian is still little enough to be raised to be okay with it, I think you’ll be okay.” he tried to assure her. 

“But you’re not ready?” 

“Not in the slightest,” he whispered. Staring at the ceiling. “I get to meet Phil soon though.” 

“Oh my god! When?” 

Dan laughed, “on Saturday.” 

“Have you asked mum?” she asked.

“Not like I have to, I have my own car.” 

She looked at the ceiling now too. “True, I always forget about that.” 

“It’s cause I barely drive it.” 

“What are you going to wear?” she asked softly. 

“I don't know, probably like a band tee and my skinnies, he doesn’t know that I’m gay yet we’re just friends with similar interests, one of which happens to be boys and I might tell him that on Saturday.” 

“Why haven’t you told him yet?” she looked puzzled.

“I didn’t want to get hacked and have people print off our conversations or something I dunno it’s scary saying things online, that’s how people found out last time.” 

“At least when you tell Phil he’s not going to be grossed out or hate you he’s going to be happy he’s found another gay kid, I need a Phil,” she said. 

“Everyone needs a Phil.” 

“You like, like him don't you?” 

Dan giggled and shook his head, “who wouldn’t? He said in defence, his voice squeaking. “He’s cute and nice, he looks like he smells good. He’s just as weird as I am, we like all the same things. I think I was meant to find him.” 

“Like fate?” she asked. 

“Doesn’t exist,” he said almost too quickly. “But he’s starting to change my mind.” 

“Awww!” 

“Shhh let me live.” he laughed. 

Saturday came faster than he thought it would. Phil let him know Friday night that he was home safe, it made Dan’s stomach flip over. They were so excited about hanging out, Dan was almost tempted to ask if he could drive them out for dinner or something, but he was afraid that would feel like a date. 

He woke up way too early, he washed his hair and straightened the shit out of it. He put his good black earrings in, wore a little bit too much cologne and he was dressed and ready before it was even 10. He just sat at his desk, watching Smosh videos trying to pass the time before he had to go. 

His mum came upstairs with a cheese toasty for him. She put it at his desk and sat down on the edge of his bed, “so, do you have a date or something?” she asked.

Dan smiled, “no,” he said softly. “I made a friend, his name is Phil and I’m going to his place for the afternoon.” 

“Is he nice?” 

“Oh, the nicest,” he assured her, “he’s twenty, and home from uni for Christmas break so we’re meeting today.” 

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did you meet him?” she was worried, she was a mum after all.

“My friend Lauren knows him, I think her friend Sarah is dating Phil’s best friend Ian. This is such a small town everyone knows everyone,” he explained. 

“Okay, well let me know if you’ll be home for dinner and I hope you and Phil have fun today,” she said, she stood up and kissed the top of his head. She closed his door as she left. 

He woofed down his sandwich, it was quarter to 12 when he brought his dishes down to the kitchen. He grabbed his book bag from the front hall, took his keys off the counter and walked out the door. 

He had a rough idea of where Phil lived, only a few neighbourhoods over, nothing too complex but he gave himself enough time to find it and not get lost. He listened to Fall Out Boy’s Infinity On High album as loud as he could and he was speeding just a little bit. He drove reckless because he couldn’t care less, that was probably a bad thing but again, he couldn’t care less. 

The was basically screaming the lyrics to Thriller, it made him feel free and a bit more relaxed than he had all day. He had to get everything out of his system before he showed up at Phil’s. He didn’t just have to impress him but his mum would be there too, and Dan had an issue with sucking up to his friend's mums. 

He pulled up along the curb of Phil’s house, he checked his hair one last time in his mirror before grabbing his bag and getting out of the car. He locked his doors, he took a deep breath and he walked to the front door. He knocked lightly 3 times, and before he could even listen for someone walking the door was opening. 

A cute tiny little woman opened the door, she had Phil’s nose. That was the first thing he noticed. “You must be Dan.” her voice was incredibly northern. 

“Yeah I am,” he said with a smile. 

“oh, you’re southern what a surprise!” she cheered, “Phil didn’t mention that.” 

“I don’t even think he knows yet, honestly. I just moved here in October,” he explained. 

“Well dear, come on in,” she said, stepping aside and letting Dan in. “Phil’s just finishing getting ready. The boy barely got up in time to greet you, I had to knock on his door an hour ago to make sure he was up and running.” 

He took his shoes off and placed his car keys in one of them. He always managed to lose them if he didn’t do that. “You have such a lovely home, it smells amazing,” he said, already sucking up to her. 

“Thank you, dear, I’m making some Christmas cookies,” she said with a smile. She placed a hand on Dan’s lower back, “come with me, would you like a tea or anything?” 

She led him into the kitchen, “um, sure.” 

“Perfect, have a seat.” 

He sat at the counter, placing his bag on a chair beside himself. “So, you’re new?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am. From Reading.” he smiled lightly. 

“Not to intrude, but, why did you move all the way up here?” she asked, filling the kettle and flicking it on. She grabbed a mug from the cabinet and set it down beside it. 

“Um, long story short, I was being bullied really badly and I was actually attacked by some boys from the school so my parents thought it would be best for us to move,” he explained. He made him feel oddly safe very fast as if he was talking to his grandmother or something. 

Her face dropped, “that is horrid, I’m terribly sorry Dan.”

“It’s okay, I actually really enjoy living up here it’s a lot nicer.” 

She smiled lightly, “but it’s still terrible that you had to come here on those circumstances. You seem like a very lovely young man.” 

“Thank you, Mrs Lester.” he smiled back at her.

“Call me Kath.” 

The kettle clicked, he told her what he took in his tea and she passed it to him with a plate of baked goods. He wanted to replace his grandma with her at that very moment. She sat beside him with a cup of tea for herself and they talked about the school, he told her how he liked his classes and how much nicer it was to be around both girls and guys than just guys who wanted to kill people. 

He felt like he was down there forever before Phil showed up in the doorway. 

“Hi,” he said with a smile. 

He was gorgeous. Dan stared at him for far too long, “hey.” 

“Well. I’ll leave you two to get acquainted. There should be enough hot water for a coffee still Phil,” his mum said, she tapped his cheek as she left the room. 

Phil sat beside him, “nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah, you too.” Dan smiled like an idiot. 

“Sorry if my mum bugged you too much.” 

“She’s lovely, I enjoyed talking to her don’t worry.” 

He just smiled, his front teeth overlapped each other but they were so cute Dan couldn’t stop looking and smiling back. His bright blue shirt made his blue eyes even brighter and Dan could feel himself getting sucked into them. They were quiet just staring at each other, taking in the moment. 

“Do you want to come upstairs with me?” he asked.

Dan nodded, he didn’t know how to speak. Phil was too pretty and he felt too gay for his own good. Dan grabbed his bag and he followed Phil up the stairs and around the corner to his room. 

The walls were green with a blue border around the bottom half. The carpet was also green. He seemed to have cleaned by shoving everything in his wardrobe that was barely closed. He had a nice couch against the wall, surrounded by posters. Mostly of buffy, a few of angel and a big one of Uma Thurman. 

“I love Kill Bill.” Dan said softly, staring at all the walls in awe. 

“Me too,” he said, sitting down cross-legged on his bed. “It’s awesome seeing women who can kick ass in the media.” 

“I agree, especially cause I have a sister having her grow up with these women is special. She’s already pretty badass, she’s great.” he was already rambling. 

“I have a brother his name is Martyn.” Phil didn’t seem to mind his rambling. 

Dan sat beside him on the bed, “I have a bother too his name is Adrian, he’s eleven.” 

“Are you the oldest?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded, “I’m seventeen and Poppy is fifteen.” 

“That’s cute, I’m the baby as mum says. Martyn is twenty-four.” he smiled. Dan never wanted him to stop smiling. “Can I ask you a question though?” 

“Um, sure?” 

“How did you find me on MSN? Do we have a mutual friend or? I’m just wondering if you just stumbled across me or something, I’m just curious.” he asked softly. 

Dan swallowed sharply, “well, I was at lunch with my friends the one day and Cassidy said that her friend Sarah was dating your friend Ian and that apparently you had been outed at school,” he felt his voice get lower and lower and he talked, he stared down at his hands where he was playing with his fingers. “And I’ve never known another gay person.” 

“Oh.” 

“I wanted to tell you online but I was scared of being hacked or someone else reading it,” he admitted. 

Phil put his hand on Dan’s knee, “it’s okay. I wish I knew a gay person to talk to before I told people.” 

“At my old school, the boys heard I was bi and one really just loved to fuck with me. He got a group of friends all together and they jumped me when I was leaving work one night.” he looked at Phil with slightly teary eyes. “And they beat me up and left me in the parking lot. My mum tried calling me but they had smashed my phone and there was no one there to hear me call for help. She ended up driving to my work to find me on the pavement and she called 999 and I was in the hospital for days. I just told her it was a random thing that they wanted money I couldn’t tell her it was because I’m gay.

Phil hugged him, he pulled him in so close. He rubbed Dan’s back and just held him. He did smell good like Dan thought he would. He was cold but also warm, his embrace was everything Dan had needed. He didn’t realize how much he just needed a hug from someone till that moment. 

“You’re safe now,” he whispered. 

“Thank you.”


	3. Chapter 3

The end of Phil’s break was approaching and Dan was dreading it. 

Over the 4 weeks that he was home they had seen each other a lot. Nearly every day Dan drove to Phil’s house for the two of them to watch movies and play video games. It even got to a point that Kath started setting a place for Dan for dinner. 

He’s learned a lot about Phil and from Phil. Like how his family nickname is Dibs and his first word was light. Phil really is the light in his life at the moment, and everyone has noticed. His mum wants to meet Phil, his sister has met him and she loves him. why wouldn’t she? He’s Phil. 

The night his sister met Phil was probably his favourite. She was going to a party and his mum had asked him to take her, and while she was out Dan went over to Phil’s before having to pick her back up. He sat beside Phil on his bed, trying to pay attention to the episode of Lost that he had put on but he was mesmerized by the site of Phil in glasses. 

Together they quietly played video games until 1, when Phil had a craving for a milkshake and Dan had the brilliant idea to go to McDonald's. Phil texted his mum to tell her where he’d be and locked the door as they left. They listened to Muse way too loud for that time in the morning and screamed the lyrics at each other rather dramatically. Dan pulled into the parking lot and texted his sister to see if she wanted anything while he was there, they ordered and they drove to where she needed to be picked up. 

They sat out front for a while while she finished up, Phil ate his milkshake with a spoon like a crazy person and Dan made fun of him for it. 

“Am I allowed to ask you about you being gay and how you realized it or are all the gay topics off-limits?” Phil asked. 

“Uh-”

“Sorry, it’s one am I don't have a filter anymore,” Phil interjected. 

"It's okay." Dan took another sip of his milkshake, and then he took a deep breath. “So I was twelve-ish, I've been called gay a lot growing up cause it’s like a cool thing to say about literally everything in Reading. I literally kissed my first girl and someone was like 'ew you kissed a girl that’s gay'. Like what the fuck?” 

“Kids are stupid.”

“They fucking suck, but I used to sit beside this boy in English class and I had never really had a crush on anyone, I had kissed girls at that point and dated one for a few weeks but I was never like pining after anyone till him,” Dan explained. “But then one day I just looked at him and he had these blue eyes that drew me in and I suddenly couldn’t breathe and I was just like wow he’s beautiful and later that night I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I cried while googling ‘am I gay?’” 

“That is so pure,” Phil said with a wide smile. 

“What was your awakening like?” 

“I was also twelve-ish, myself and a bunch of kids went to the beach during the summer. There was this couple walking down the beach and all the boys were making comments about the girl cause I guess she had like nice boobs or something straight that I don’t understand,” Phil said with a giggle, “but then I saw her boyfriend and he had the best abs and he had blond hair and he just looked like an Australian surfer and I wanted to eat him.”

“Are you a cannibal?” Dan asked.

“I bet you’d taste good,” Phil said, reaching for Dan’s arm and pretending to bite him. Dan squealed and moved closer to his door, making them both laugh. 

“But seriously, have you ever seen a guy so hot you just want to like devourer him?” Phil asked. 

Dan nodded and tipped his head back against the headrest. “Andrew Wells.” 

“You like buffy?” Phil sounded shocked.

“Yeah,” Dan said softly, “I’ve watched a handful of episodes but I see him every now and then on Myspace and just fall a little more in love each time.” 

“We’re going to have to watch it all from the beginning when I come home for the summer.” 

Dan smiled, “I’d really like that.” 

Before he could say anything else his sister was walking down the pavement from her friend's house, she went to open the passenger door and was seemingly caught off guard by Phil being there.

“Hi Phil,” she said, sitting in the back and clearly a little drunk. 

“Oh, you know me?” Phil asked and Dan’s stomach immediately turned. He had no idea what she was going to say like this. 

She put her seatbelt on and laid back against the seat with her eyes closed, “Yeah, Dan never shuts up about how good of a friend you are.” 

“Well, he’s a really good friend too.” Phil smiled at him, his eyes had gone soft and his body relaxed. Dan thinks that was the moment he fell for him. 

Dan was grateful that it was dark in his car, that way Phil couldn’t see the way that he was blushing. “Am I driving you home or do you want to crash at mine?” Dan asked. 

“I can come to yours I’ll just have to let my mum know where I am.” 

“Aren’t you like in your twenties?” Poppy asked, “do you have to report back to your mum still?”

Phil laughed, “well, child, I respect my mother so I tell her where I am so she doesn’t have a heart attack wondering if I got snatched up by a murderer in the night.” 

“That's gay,” she whispered. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” Phil’s tone was defensive. 

“I know, I’m a lesbian.” 

Phil turned to look at Dan with a shocked face, all Dan did was shrug and say; “Three gays in one car, this is statistically irregular for Manchester.”

They all crept into the house quietly, Dan’s mum and dad were in their room by the kitchen so they tried their best to be quiet. Dan locked the door and turned out all the lights and they made their way up the stairs. He made sure his sister was in her bed with some medicine and water for the morning and kissed her forehead before joining Phil in his own room.

“I can take the floor tonight, you can have my bed,” Dan whispered across the room. 

“I’m not opposed to sharing the bed,” Phil suggested. “But I’m going to need to borrow some pj’s.”

Dan smiled, “okay.” his stomach was now a butterfly sanctuary, he felt like he was going to erupt with them.

He gave Phil a pare of boring PJ bottoms and tried his hardest to not watch him peel out of his skinny jeans to put them on. Dan, on the other hand, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and change into a pair of shorts. He normally slept with only pants on cause he got too hot in the night, but he couldn’t bear the thought of being partially naked near Phil. 

They climbed into Dan’s bed, Dan took the inside by the wall and Phil on the outside, it felt weirdly natural to be climbing into bed with him. As soon as his head hit the pillow he realized just how tired he was. He felt drunk on the exhaustion. 

He closed his eyes, facing Phil and he could feel his eyes on him, “goodnight Dan.” Phil whispered. 

Dan smiled. “Thank you, Phil.”

“For?”

“Being my first real friend.” 

Phil reached over and wrapped his arm around Dan and pulled him in so that Dan’s head was on his chest. He placed his cheek on top of Dan’s head and rubbed his back. 

“You’re my best friend Dan,” Phil said softly.

He yawned then, “what about Ian?” 

“He’s a good childhood friend.” Phil’s voice was so calming Dan felt himself drifting against his chest. “But you, you’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine.” was the last thing Dan remembers before falling asleep. 

His mum had walked in that morning to thank him for driving his sister last night only to find Dan still cuddled into Phil. “Daniel,” she said softly, not wanting to startle the boys. 

But he was startled anyway. He sat right up and rubbed his eyes, “mum!” 

“Is this Phil?” she asked.

Phil was groggy, he sat up and felt for his glasses on the side table, “hello Mrs Howell, I’m Phil.” he stuck his hand out to shake hers.

“Nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand lightly. “I’m making eggs and toast for your hungover little sister, would you boys like some?” 

“Yes please,” Dan answered first, looking at Phil to see him nod. 

“I’d like that very much, thank you.” 

“You have amazing manners, Dan you need to learn from him,” she said with a smile. 

“I’m doing my best.”

She shook her head, her smile made her dimple pop the same way it would make Dan’s. She turned and left and closed the door behind her. Dan laid back down against his pillow, flopping back hard and nearly smacking his head against the headboard. Phil laid back too, more on his side however so that he could look at Dan. 

“She didn’t have any problem with me cuddled into a man in my bed,” he whispered. 

“Do you think she’d have a problem with you liking boys?” he asked lightly. 

“No, she’s pretty cool and down with the times. It’s my dad and grandma that I’m not so sure about.” 

“I think my mum knows.” was all Phil said.

“Yeah?” 

Phil nodded, “over the summer between semesters I had brought a boy over, and we kinda, you know, did it, and in the morning she was like ‘well someone had fun last night. How’s jimmy?’ and I turned bright red and I was like ‘he’s fine.’” he said, mimicking the high pitch that his voice reached back then. 

“Oh, you’ve?” Dan asked, avoiding the word because that for some reason made it more awkward for him. 

He couldn’t even imagine what sex would be like, with boys or girls, he was nowhere near ready to find out but it was interesting to talk to people who had done it. Thinking about Phil doing it though, that made his stomach bubble with an all too familiar feeling of interest. 

All Phil does is nod his head, and Dan’s grateful that there isn’t more conversation. He doesn’t know how he’d handle it. They lay there quietly for a moment, “you know,” Phil breaks the silence, “I don’t want this to be weird or anything but, if you ever want to cuddle or hug or anything I don’t mind, I’m a cuddly person and you seem like you are too.” 

Dan’s stomach was doing backflips now. He scootched in closer and put his head back on Phil’s shoulder and his face in his neck. He smelled like spicy pine trees, that was the best way to explain it. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath before relaxing his body against Phil’s. 

He hated the part of himself that was falling in love with Phil because they had such a wonderful friendship going for them and it would be difficult to date an older boy. But loving Phil was easy, he made it so simple. Loving his was easier than watching cartoons on Saturday morning, and someday it might be even easier to love him. Maybe when Phil wasn’t the only one who’s out, maybe when he’s older and doesn't care. 

Maybe it’ll be easier if Phil loved him too. Till then, he’d just love him from the red side of the moon, where he could keep it hidden and a secret. 

Phil went back to uni right before new years, he didn’t want to miss the parties. Dan went to his place the morning that he was leaving with his parents to give him a hug and tell him he’d miss him till he came back. Phil held him tightly for longer than Dan expected him to. They agreed to Skype when they could and text if they needed each other. 

Dan was going to miss him. 

Cassidy and Lauren had invited him to a new years party with their other friends, he didn’t see why not. It’s not like he had anyone to watch Lost or play bubble bobble with. 

His mum bought him some malibu, as he said, she was cool. She drove him to his party where he’d be staying the night. Lauren gave him a big hug at the door, telling him just how much she missed him during the break and Cassidy was already off trying to find a boy to hook up with. 

Dan and Lauren sat in the corner on the floor passing the bottle of Malibu back and forth between each other. “I heard you and Phil Lester are friends now?” she said, just loudly enough for Dan to hear over the music but no one else. 

“Yeah, he’s pretty great.” 

“How did you meet him?” she asked.

He wasn’t worried about telling her about him or how they met, she was the nicer one of his two friends. Cassidy loved the drama and gossip of every situation to the point where she’d cause it to talk about it, Lauren, on the other hand, she was calm and quiet like Dan was. 

“After you guys talked about him at lunch that one day I went to cyber stalk him and see what he looked like, I was just curious. But he liked Muse and we had so many mutual interests that I sent him a message on a whim and now he’s like, my best friend.” Dan explained. The alcohol hadn’t taken full effect yet, he was still able to lie convincingly. 

“Cassidy has a conspiracy that you’re gay too, but I told her that’s not her place to joke or look into. And that if you are we need to respect you because you’re wonderful and don't deserve anything but the world.” she was definitely drunk. 

Dan felt awkward yet he was comfortable with her. If she was the 3rd person he ever told he would be okay with that. 

“I’d love to tell you that I am, but I don’t even know yet.” 

“I understand,” she said, she took another swing of their drink, “like I know I like girls and I also think you’re cute but I wouldn’t call myself a lesbian or straight or anything yet.” 

“You like girls?” 

“Oh, boy do I ever.” 

“I have a friend who also likes girls, she’s not out so I’m not going to tell you who but if you want I can tell her about you?” he suggests, she’s pretty almost like Kate Simmons pretty, his sister would like her. 

She grabbed his arm and his leg and she shook him violently. “Yes! I need a good woman in my life!”

“Okay!” I’ll talk to her soon for you!” he shouted back, laughing hysterically with her in their little corner of the party. 

“Fireworks are in five people!” a boy Dan didn’t know yelled from his perch on top of the coffee table. 

They all got up and travelled to the yeard to see the neighbourhood firework display, Lauren huddled in close to him, she linked arms with him and they pressed their sides to one another. “Would you be willing to kiss me at midnight?” she asked lightly. “You know, a friendly one?” 

“Yeah,” he said. He had kissed quite a few girls in his time, never liking them all that much. But this was Lauren, his gay friend who understood, it was different. There was nothing behind it, no deeper meaning, he didn’t have to pretend to enjoy it or do it if he didn’t want to. 

Everyone in the room started to count down from 10, the excitement in the room was at an all-time high. People started kissing early, some people were chugging their drinks and throwing the cans on the floor when they were done. 

Dan and Lauren, however, counted down, yelling the numbers ar each other. She was smiling wider than he’d ever seen her smile, “happy new year!” 

He pulled her in close, she went up on her tiptoes and closed her eyes as their lips touched. He kissed her as long as he could, feeling zero spark and having no interest in it. She pulled away and looked like she felt the same. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket, it was Phil calling him. “I’ll be right back,” he said with a smile. 

He picked it up as he walked to the bathroom of the stranger's house. “Daniel!” Phil yelled down the line.

“Philip!” Dan half-shouted back.

“Happy new year best friend!” 

“Happy new year to you too,” Dan couldn’t help but smile. He closed the bathroom door behind himself and sunk down it till he saw sitting on the floor. 

“Kiss anyone at midnight?” he asked. 

“My friend Lauren asked me if I would so I did,” he said honestly, “did you?” 

“No, the guy I want to kiss is stuck in Machester.” 

“Shame,” Dan said, hoping to every non-existent god that it was him. 

“I’m drunk so I’m going to hang up before I embarrass myself,” Phil said softly. 

“Okay.” 

“Have a goodnight Dan, love you.”

The words fell from Phil’s lips like he was always meant to hear it. Like he was born to say those words and those words only. They were beautiful, Dan wanted to hear them for the rest of his life if given the chance.

“I uh, love you too,” he said softly. 

Phil hung up, Dan held his phone to his chest for a moment, his eyes closed and a small smile on his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan didn’t drink anything else that night. He wanted to remember Phil telling him that he loved him and how much it made him happy. He called his mum a few minutes after midnight and asked her to come and get him, he made an excuse to Lauren that he wasn’t going to sleep over anymore because his sister needed him but really he just wanted to be at home alone.

She placed her hand on his knee while still looking at the road, “Are you alright lately? You’ve been different.”

“I’ve been happier these last few weeks,” he replied, he was so scared of telling her anything more than that.

“Can I say something? You don’t have to acknowledge it or reply or anything I just want you to hear it.”

“Yeah,” he said so lightly it was barely a word.

She was quiet for a moment, she kept driving, everything seemed easier in the car. “I love you, and I will always love you. No matter who you are or who you become, you are my baby and I never want to lose you.”

He wanted to cry. He always knew that but hearing it was something he desperately needed in his life. “Thanks, I love you too,” he replied, his voice cracking in the process.

She pulled into their driveway, and the two of them just sat in her car for a moment. “I am glad that you’ve been happier lately, I was scared that this move would hurt more than what happened but Phil and the girls you’re friends with have seemingly changed your life and I love seeing you happy again.”

“Phil was drunk tonight and he called me and told me I’m his best friend and he loves me, and it felt so nice to know I finally have a real and true friend in my life mum, I’ve wanted a friend for so long.” he cried while he told her, taking her hand in his.

“I wish we moved here years ago, then you would have had him sooner.”

“Me too.”

Phil: did I call you last night?

That was the only text message he had when he woke up a little after 12 the next day. It hurt a little to read it, he wanted nothing more than for Phil to tell him he loved him again. Platonic or not. But then again, being drunk lowers your inhibitions and if he said it, then he must have really meant it.

Dan: yeah right after midnight lol

He rolled over in his bed, cuddling into his pillow that laid on the side of his bed where Phil once was. He felt stupid for missing him as much as he did. He stared at the screen, waiting for Phil to text him back. His throat felt thick and tight, he didn’t want to be sad, he truly did not, but he felt like he was going to cry.

Phil: wanna Skype?

Dan sat up and wiped his eyes and cleared his throat.

Dan: let me just get my laptop

He got up and put a shirt on, he fixed his hair in the mirror and grabbed his laptop from his desk. He sighed as he opened it, his personal pity party in full swing. He waited for everything to load and called Phil.

The cute little bloopy jingle rang for a few seconds before Phil picked up with his cute little “Awrf.” and a scrunchy face.

“Hi,” Dan said with an instant smile.

Phil was in his bed, cute green blue and purple covers pulled up to cover his bare chest. His glasses were on, his hair was messy, Dan’s heart was fluttering.

“I am hungover,” he said with a tired smirk.

“I didn’t drink that much,” his tone was low and off, “I had some malibu and then went home early.”

Phil furrowed his brow and tilted his head the tiniest bit, he could tell something wasn’t okay. “What’s wrong?”

“Do you remember anything you said to me last night?”

“I remember calling you my best friend and saying I love you.”

Dan nodded, “yeah.”

“Was that okay?”

Dan felt the tears build behind his eyes like a wall, he knew if he spoke or even blinked again he would cry. But he let it happen, “I’ve never had a best friend let alone have one tell me they love me, so when you texted this morning asking if you called me I was afraid you didn’t mean it.”

“I love you a lot Dan, you deserve to know that you’re loved,” he said softly.

He cried a bit harder, “I really just want a hug.”

“I wish I could come over and hug you right now,” he said, his face had dropped, he looked just as sad as Dan and he felt bad about it. “But I won't be home again till around Valentine's day.”

Dan wiped his eyes. “Sorry, I’m so emotional.”

“It’s a good thing to have emotions, you never have to apologize to me for that Dan.”

“You’re the best person Phil, thank you.”

“I mean it, Dan, I love you,” he said again.

Dan's heart fluttered and his stomach flipped, it felt amazing to hear it. “I love you too, Phil.”

“But why’d you go home early last night?” Phil asked, “didn’t you kiss your friend last night?”

“Honestly,” Dan paused, “I wanted to come home and be alone after you said you loved me because it was special to me but then in the car home my mum said she loves me no matter who I am and I just came home and held my pillow and cried.”

“My mum said that too when she suspected I was gay.”

“I also told Lauren last night.”

“That you’re gay?”

Dan nodded, “can you keep a secret?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s gay too, I want to hook her up with my sister.” Dan said with a smile, “they’d be happy together plus I know Lauren will like her because she’s said she thinks I’m cute and Poppy looks just like me.”

Phil smirked, “She’s right.”

“I will have a bigger sexuality crisis if you flirt with me,” Dan whined.

Phil laughed, tilting his head back and showing his Adam’s apple. Dan just stared, he was too handsome not to. No matter what, he knew he liked men, he has known that for a while, but seeing Phil with his own eyes made it more clear. He was hot, he wasn’t pretty or handsome like some of the boys Dan had been interested in. He was a sexy man and Dan really, really liked him.

“You don’t think it’s weird that I think you’re cute?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head, “no it’s nice to hear it honestly.”

They jumped from topic to topic for hours till Dan’s stomach started to growl. They hung up, telling each other once more just how much they loved each other and promised to talk again before bed.

“So, there's a girl that you know who likes girls, and you want to know if you can tell her I like girls so we can get together?” Poppy asked while Dan shovelled a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

“Basically.”

They were in the kitchen together alone, their mum had taken Adrian out to get new indoor shoes for school. So they could talk about this in the middle of the kitchen in the late afternoon. It felt freeing to talk about being gay in their kitchen.

“You can text her and tell that it’s me, I plan on coming out to mum and dad when he’s up this weekend anyway,” she said as if it was just a normal thing to throw into a conversation.

“You’re ready to do that?”

“Not to be a dick or anything but it’s not a huge deal for me, I don’t have any trauma or issues with it I just want to date girls and not give a fuck anymore,” she explained.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “mum knows I’m gay, she’s not come right out and said it but she told me she’ll always love me.”

“Oh?”

He nodded and shoved another spoonful in his mouth, “I think it’s always been kinda obvious but for her to walk in on me and Phil cuddling in the morning probably confirmed it.”

“Hold the fuck up?” she said, blinking fast and shaking her whole body in shock, “You cuddled?”

Dan smiled and laughed, “yeah we fell asleep like that having a heart to heart about how he’s my first _real_ friend and I don't know he kinda just pulled me into his chest and held me and I fell asleep like that.”

“Dan! That's huge!” she cheered, “what if you guys end up falling in love?”

He looked down at his lap, “One step ahead of you there, sister.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded, “we tell each other that we love each other when we hang up, and he said I’m his best friend that's why he says it and that I deserve to know I’m loved, he’s genuinely amazing but I’m falling in love with him too much.”

“That’s cute though!”

“You don’t think it’s weird that he’s almost twenty-two?” Dan asked.

She shook her head, “you’re almost eighteen, and he seems like a genuinely good guy I don’t think he’d hurt you or anything.”

“I want to go see him for his birthday at the end of the month.” Dan said softly, “so I’m going to have to convince mum to let me go back to work to save up.”

“If not you could go around doing things for old ladies, there are so many old ladies in this town!” Poppy complained.

Dan smiled, “I think I might just go talk to Phil’s mum and see what she has planned for his birthday.”

“Does she know he's gay?”

“Yeah, apparently she heard him having sex with his friend and just didn’t care.”

She laughed, “that is iconic honestly.”

“I know, I don't think anyone can top that.”

He pulled up to Kath's house sometime around 4 pm, he got out and locked his doors and proceeded to knock on hers. She opened it with a shocked face, “oh hello Daniel what brings you here?”

“I just came to ask if you had any plans for Phil’s birthday?” he asked lightly.

“Oh, yes, why don’t you come in for some tea? We can talk all about the boy,” she said with a smile across her face, visiting her was like visiting his grandma.

He sat down in the same spot he had the first day he went to Phil’s house, the middle counter island seat right across from were Kath would be in the kitchen. She filled up the kettle, placed a mug on the counter and smiled at Dan.

“So I’m thinking of saving up to go see Phil for his birthday and I thought if I do get to go would you want me to bring anything to him?” Dan explained his little plan.

“Do you have a job?” she asked.

He shook his head, “since I got beat up my mum doesn’t want me working again, she’s afraid it’ll happen again.”

“Do you know how much train tickets will be?”

“From Manchester to York, the cheapest I can get is nineteen pounds each way.”

She nodded, “hold on.”

She walked out of the room for a moment, Dan sat and watched the steam leave the kettle in her little green kitchen. It was a very Kath kitchen, clean and tidy, everything matched and looked well used. He could hear her talking a few rooms over, to Phil’s father, who he barely knew.

He was a quiet man, with values and ideas about who he wanted his children to be. He bought Phil a drill for Christmas, Phil still has no fucking clue why. Phil thinks its something to do with being gay and having to live up to his father's idea of manhood, saying actually “just cause I take it up the ass sometimes doesn’t mean I’m not a man.” which made Dan scream with laughter.

“Daniel, will you come here?” Kath yelled from the lounge.

Dan stood and pushed his chair back in, he walked towards her voice rounding a corner and he saw her and Nigel sat on the loveseat. “We were thinking, we know how much Phil likes you and you boys have such a wonderful,” she paused, “friendship,” she said with a blink. “We’d like to pay for you to go see him as part of his birthday present.”

“Oh no I can’t take your money,” Dan said, shaking his head at the offer.

“Yes you will Daniel,” she spoke sternly, “and we’ll send you along with some goodies and treats and you boys can have a wonderful weekend together.”

“Thank you, that’s so kind.”

Kath smiled, “we know what you two have found together is special we just want to help out.”

“He’s a good friend, he’s my first real best friend. No one has ever made me feel happy and accepted as he has. You’ve raised a wonderful boy.” Dan said with a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Well Daniel, in this house you’ll always be loved and accepted,” Nigel spoke, the first real thing he’s ever said to Dan.

He felt himself getting choked up but he swallowed it down, “Thank you.”


	5. Chapter 5

Poppy had come out that weekend like she was planning on doing. The only problem was that their dad never came home that weekend like they thought he would. But still, they were all sat at the dining table to have dinner when she just threw it out there. “I’m a lesbian.” 

“What's that mean?” Adrian asked. 

“It means she's not going to marry a boy, she’ll marry a girl when she’s older.” their mom explained with a smile. 

“Am I a lesbian?” he asked. 

They all laughed, “no buddy, if you’re a boy who likes girls you’re straight, and if you’re a boy who likes boys then that’s called being gay. If you like both boys and girls that’s called being bisexual, they’re all normal things and you’ll figure it out one day.” Karen explained further. 

“Boys and girls are gross.” 

“Understandable, you’re eleven,” Dan said with a laugh. 

“Are you gay Dan?” Adrian asked. 

His stomach dropped, he looked at his mum and swallowed deeply. He knew she’d be okay with it if she was okay with Poppy she could handle him being gay too. She was looking at him with a soft face and a small smile, her eyes were inviting and he suddenly felt safe. 

“I honestly don’t know yet buddy.”

“And that’s okay too,” she said with a smile. “We’ll always love you.” 

He was quiet for the rest of dinner, he helped clean up the table and dried the dishes beside his mum in silence. 

“Is it okay if I go for a drive?” he asked quietly. 

“What for?” she asked. 

“In all honesty, I want to go listen to music and probably cry,” he said, “and call Phil.” 

She nodded and smiled, “yeah, go do what you need to bear.” 

“Um also, on the 30th I was wondering if I could go to York to see him for his birthday?” he asked, not looking at her, he felt his stomach tighten to the point it felt like it was in his throat. 

“By yourself?” 

He nodded, “Phil’s mum bought me a ticket to go see him and bring him a cake, I really want to go see him.” 

“You have to text me from the station when you get there and when you’re at his place and when you’re going to bed that night, I want updates, nothing detailed but I just need to make sure you’re okay while you’re up there,” she explained, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder. “I never want to see you hurt again.” 

He still wasn’t looking at her, he was playing with his drying towel in his hands, “I don’t think Phil would ever let me get hurt mum.” he said softly, just loud enough for her to hear it. 

She pulled him into a hug, “I remember I thought that about your father.” 

“I don’t even think he likes me back ” he whispered, his eyes welling up with tears. He was being so honest with his mum, he wasn’t expecting to do this tonight, or ever really. But it felt good for her to hold him and make him feel loved. 

“I don’t think he’d let you cuddle him if he didn’t like you back,” she whispered against the top of his head where her cheek was resting. 

“You really don’t care that I like boys?” he asked.

She shook her head, “you can like whatever human you want as long as they love you the way you deserve to be loved.” 

The tears had a mind of their own, he didn’t want to be crying in his mum's arms in the middle of the kitchen but here he was. She was shushing in his ear while rubbing her hand along his back in a soothing manner. He held her tightly, she’s changed a lot since everything happened, he hates that he had to go through that to get his mum to love him like this but he wouldn’t change it. 

“Don’t tell dad or nan yet please,” he whispered. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it love, take your time.” 

He gathered his composure, threw on a sweater and grabbed his phone before heading out the door. He sat in his car in the driveway for a few minutes, he couldn’t believe he just came out to his mum, and she was really, really okay with it. 

He drove down the road finally, making it all the way to McDonald's where he got himself an ice cream cone and called Phil from the parking lot. 

“Hello.” Phil picked up almost instantly. 

“I came out to my mum.” 

“Holy shit Dan really?” 

Dan nodded before he remembered Phil couldn’t see him, “Yeah my sister came out first and then in the kitchen after I talked to her about how I like boys too.” 

“That is huge Dan!” Phil cheered, “honestly I’m so proud of you.” 

“Thanks,” he smiled. 

“I never came out to my parents, but I kinda wish I had sat them down and just been able to flat out say like mum, dad I’m gay, but I don’t think I could get the words out if I tried,” he explained. 

Dan laughed, “yeah I never said the words I just told her I am falling in love with a boy.” he explained, “but I don’t even know if gay would feel right for me.”

“No?” 

“I dated a girl for two years before we moved,” he said, “I broke up with her right before I was attacked it was like she was my armour she made me still seem straight to the boys in town that picked on me but once she was gone it became hell.” 

“So, you like girls?” Phil asked.

“No.” he replied, “I liked one girl, I loved her, but I don’t think it was the way you’re supposed to love someone.”

“Not like how you love this boy?” he asked. 

“Exactly.” 

They were quiet for a bit, Dan felt his heart in his throat. He was feeling reckless and free tonight like he could do anything but also at the same time he thought if he did one more thing he might actually throw up. 

“It’s me, right?” Phil asked softly.

“Only if that’s okay?” 

“Yeah, that's cool,” he said, his tone had changed. It sounded uncomfortable. Dan’s heart sank back down to his ass like he was on a rollercoaster ride that he wanted to get off of right away. 

“Sick, yeah whatever it’s not like I expected you to love me back.”

“Dan-”

“No Phil, it’s fine. I don’t care,” he said firmly, hanging up. 

He smacked his hand against the steering wheel and yelled alongside the horn. He felt so stupid that he cried again. He hated himself, he didn’t want to tell Phil yet. He didn’t want anything to come out till he knew Phil liked him back. He would have kept it all a big secret till all the feelings went away if he needed to. 

He drove home a little too fast, he slammed the front door when he got in and stomped up to his room. He turned off his phone, he locked his bedroom door and he jumped into bed with all his clothes still on. He shoved his pillow in his face and he cried until he fell asleep. 

His dreams were dark that night like he was stuck in a void of black but he could hear someone calling to him. He was watching himself from above, watching him run around in this darkness looking for the owner of the voice. He was running and running, breathless with sweat dripping down his face. 

He ran right into the voice, his face laid against his chest. He knew it was Phil, not by his voice, however, his chest was warm and hard and he smelled like smokey pine and a little like the Christmas cookies he stole from the kitchen for them one night. 

He cried even in his dream. He wanted so badly to just be in his arms in real life. He wanted to wake up beside him and feel him. He wanted nothing more than to just be beside him and to feel loved by him. Even when Phil wasn’t saying it, he felt loved by him. He felt like he was Dan’s person. Like he was his soulmate. 

He woke up slowly, his pillow was wet from his tears and he was holding it the same way he had fallen asleep holding Phil that night before he left. He sighed, his mind was heavy and his eyes hurt. He peeled himself from his bed, he slid out of his jeans and went to have a shower. He didn’t even care what time it was, he knew he needed it. 

Phil once complimented the way his hair smelled when they were cuddling, that's all he could think about as he massaged the shampoo through his scalp. He watched the soap circle the drain as he rinsed his hair. Once it was done he slid down the side of the shower wall and sat there on the floor. 

He rubbed the bar of soap lazily over his body, he stared out the glass door of the shower absentmindedly. If he could see himself he imagined he’d look miserable, like he didn’t know what a smile was. He imagined his eyes were bloodshot and droopy. He felt like Phil dumped him, he felt like he took out his heart and didn’t like what he saw, not handing it back but leaving it alone and unattended in the street to be trampled over. 

He brought his knees up to his chest and cried into his hands as the water continued to hit him. He didn’t even realize that it had gone cold. 

“Dan?” he heard Poppy’s voice coming from the door. 

“I’m naked,” he called back. 

“Either you cover up and get out or I’m coming in.” She spoke sternly. 

He sighed, turned the water off and stood on the carpet wrapped in a towel. “You can come in now.” 

She closed the door behind her as she came in. she leaned against the counter and handed him her phone. 

Phil: can you tell Dan i’m sorry and i need to talk to him? 

“No,” Dan said softly. 

“I don’t need to know what happened,” she said, “but, you need to know what happened. You can't be mad at him without him giving you a good reason, I know how your brain works.” 

“I told him I’m falling in love with him and all he said was cool,” he explained, still feeling as drained and gross as before, maybe a bit worse. 

She sighed, “if he just randomly told you that he was falling in love with you, over the phone I might add, don’t you think it would throw you a bit too?” she raised her brow, looking at him like he was the biggest idiot she’d ever met. 

“I guess.” 

“Good, now go put some clothes on and call him.” 

He sat in his room in a towel for about 20 minutes looking at the messages Phil had left on his phone. 

Phil: i’m sorry  
Phil: please call me   
Phil: dan I don’t want to tell you how I feel over text  
Phil: please dan  
Phil: i hope you have a good sleep then, talk to me in the morning please I love you 

That last one was a routine for them. Dan knew it wasn’t the same as the I love you he’d send Phil every night. It didn’t hold the same weight that Dan’s did. He hit the little green phone image beside Phil’s name and waited for it to connect. 

“Dan?” Phil asked as he picked up, groggy and half asleep. 

“Yes.”

Phil cleared his throat and Dan heard him sitting up in his bed, his bones cracked and his bedsheets ruffled. “Let me explain.”

“No.” Dan said, “first you’re going to listen to me.” 

“Okay.” 

“I have waited my whole life to have a best friend who loves me. I have wanted nothing more than someone to love me and make me feel happy and special and you did that for me, so it’s not my fault that I fell in love with you. You made it so fucking easy to fall in love with you, but if you rather I loved you as a best friend only, I can do that. Because at the end of the day I don’t care what the label between us is, I just want you in my life.” Dan ranted.

“I have never been in love before,” Phil whispered. “I don’t know what I’m doing Dan, but I do love you.” 

“Oh.” 

“Don’t say cool, I’ll walk back to manchester and hit you,” Phil said with a giggle. 

Dan smiled, “but then you’d be here and I could hug you after.” 

“I will be home around Valentine’s Day, my reading week is then and my parents are going on a vacation to Florida alone,” he said, “I can give you the biggest hug then.” 

Dan knew he’d see him before that, but Phil didn’t know he was coming yet, he couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face. “Okay,” he whispered. 

“Would it be okay to ask you to be my boyfriend over the phone or would you like to do that in person?” Phil asked softly. 

“I just want to be your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter when,” Dan replied. 

“Dan,” Phil’s voice was so soft that it alone felt like a hug, “will you be my boyfriend?” 

“Yeah, that sounds cool,” he said before breaking out in uncontrollable laughter. 

Phil sighed, “my boyfriend is an idiot.” 

“Yeah but you love him,” Dan said. 

“You’re right,” Phil said, “I really do.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some filler, hope you enjoy <3

Kath picked Dan up bright an early on the morning of Phil’s birthday, which was rather unfortunate as Dan had been up till well past midnight on the phone with Phil in order to wish him a happy birthday as the day turned over. 

Dan’s mum had sat him down the night before to try and give him the talk, it took everything in him not to laugh at her trying to make him aware of the dangers of sex when she knew nothing of the kind he’d be having one day. She finally gave up and told him she’d research it and get back to him before giving him a big hug and just asking if he’d be careful. 

She came out to the car with him that morning to meet Phil’s mum. “Might as well come out and say hello, I believe we’ll be seeing each other children quite a lot,” she said with a smirk. 

“I believe so, Daniel here is a lovely addition to my house I feel like I saw him every day in December,” Kath said. 

“Phil was only here the one day,” Dan’s mum said, “ate like he’s never been fed before but was quite funny. All my kids seemed to like him.” 

Kath laughed, “The boy’s stomach his unstoppable, I’ve baked him and Dan lots of cakes for this weekend, I just hope he actually cooks Dan some dinners.” 

“He said something about taking me to a restaurant near his halls, and we’ll probably make a frozen pizza or something,” Dan said, easing both mothers worries. 

“Well, have a good weekend and remember to text me,” his mum said softly. “I love you, have fun and be safe, don’t do any crazy drinking either.” 

“Yes mum, I’ll be good, I don’t think Phil is a crazy party person we’ll be fine.” he laughed along with Kath. 

“Just, be safe in all aspects of being safe please,” she said once more. 

“Mum, I promise.” 

“Alrighty, I’ll be sure to have him home around dinner on Sunday,” Kath told his mum.

“I’ll see you then,” she replied, stepping back so Kath could pull out of the drive.

“Thank you again,” Dan said softly. “I’ve missed him quite a lot.” 

“Nigel graduated a year before I did and got a job up here while I was in uni at York as well so I know what it’s like to miss your boyfriend,” she said with a smile. 

“You know?” 

“I do now,” she laughed. 

Dan laughed right back at her, “Cheeky, I know where he gets it now.” 

“He likes you quite a lot, he was telling us about how he wants to come back while we’re in Florida so he can spend time with you,” she said, smiling at the road while she drove them to the train station. 

Dan smiled right back, feeling the blush rise in his cheeks, “It’s been so hard not telling him that I’m coming, he’s been making plans for February thinking that that will be the next time that he sees me.” 

“He’s in for a wonderful surprise, I just hope he’s awake and opens the door for you,” she laughed, “he sleeps till well after twelve on Friday’s, I don’t believe that he has a class today.” 

“He doesn’t.” 

She pulled into the station then. “Did you want me to wait here with you for the train or are you good alone?” she asked. 

“I’m good alone,” he smiled. 

“Here’s the ticket, as well as some money for a taxi to his dorms, you have the address and the room number correct?” she asked, handing him an envelope. 

Dan nodded, “thank you again, I really appreciate you helping me with this.” 

“Of course dear, you’re his best friend you should be with him on his birthday,” she said, undoing her seatbelt and getting out with Dan. “bring it in, make sure to pass this hug along to Phil for me.” 

He wrapped his arms around her, she smelled like Phil’s home. Like homemade treats, laughter and happy memories. Dan wanted to just hold her a bit longer but she pulled back, leaving her hands on his arms. “Remember what your mother said, text her and be safe.” 

He smiled, “yes mum.” 

She reached back into the car and took out the tub of baked goods, “there is also a small birthday candle in here, light it with him and make sure he has a great twenty-second birthday for me. It’s hard as a mother to not get to spend birthdays with your child.” 

“I will don’t worry,” he assured her. 

She hugged him one last time and stood by her car as she watched him walk towards the train platform. He opened his envelope as he sat in his seat on the mostly empty train. Just as she had told him, his ticket was there beside a £20 note and a post-it that said ‘thank you for making my boy so happy, have a wonderful weekend with him.’ 

In an hour and 10 minutes he’d be in York, and 10 minutes after that he’d be in Phil’s arms. He took his headphones out of his bag and put his phone on shuffle. He watched the trees and houses zoom past his window, he smiled to himself thinking about how nice it’ll be to surprise him. 

“Attention passengers,” the loudspeaker said, “we’re approaching the York station, there will be construction obstructing the exists on coach 1145, 2015, 1106 and 1403. Please make your way to the next car where the doors will open in a safe place and thank you for riding with us.”

He sighed and looked up to see that he was in fact in coach 1145, he gathered his things and walked over a few cars to get off safely in 1143. The train slowed, he watched through the doors as blacks of concrete and safety tape passed the windows, till the train came to a slow yet abrupt top. 

“Once again, thank you for riding with us. The last train of the night will be leaving at 23:06 back to Manchester Piccadilly. Enjoy your stay in York.” the man on the speaker said once more before the doors opened. 

He stepped out onto the platform, he looked around at the few others who also got out of the train and followed a smart-looking businesswoman back towards the station. It wasn’t as big as the one in Manchester but just as easy to get lost in. 

He found his way to the front of the building where more people were waiting outside for buses and taxis. There was a lone taxi waiting near a woman who didn’t look interested, “is this one yours?” he asked. 

“Nope, you can have it,” she said with a small smile. 

“Thank you,” he smiled back and opened the back door. 

“Good morning where are you off to today?” the chipper man behind the wheel said. 

“The University.” 

“Anywhere in particular there?” 

“Do you know where the main halls are? I’m surprising a friend there.” Dan said softly. 

“Matter of fact, I do, my daughter went there many years ago,” he said, putting the car in drive and turning to go down the opposite road. 

“What’s this friend of your studying?” he asked. 

“He finished his masters in English and Linguistics last year and he’s getting a degree in Special Effects right now,” Dan explained, he couldn’t help but smile thinking of how brilliant Phil was. 

“Wow, sounds like quite the young man.” 

“He is.” 

They drove in silence down the road for a little under 5 minutes till they approached the University, he turned down a street towards 5 large buildings, “do you know which one it is?” the driver asked. 

“Building three I believe.”

“Well, here you are,” he said, the car coming to a stop outside the building. There were students everywhere with backpacks and laptops, some on benches outside having a smoke and the rest on their way to and from classes. “nine pound fifty, don’t need a tip, I know how you Uni kids are tight on money.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Dan said, handing him the note and getting his change back. 

“Have a lovely day with your friend.” 

“Thanks again,” he said as he opened the door. “You have a good day as well.” 

The man smiled at him and drove off as soon as he closed the door. He took a deep breath and looked up at the building, it was only 4 floors, Phil would be on the 3rd, in room 5. He just stared up at the 3rd floor for a few minutes, not knowing how the next few minutes were going to go. 

“You look lost.” a voice said. 

He turned around to see a lovely dark-haired woman standing beside him, “I’ve never been here before, I’m surprising my boyfriend.” he said, “do you know Phil Lester?” 

She smiled, “so you’re Dan.” 

“Uh yeah,” he said, wondering how she knew. 

“I’m Kat, Phil’s roommate.” she reached out to hug him and he welcomed the embrace. “Come with me I’ll buzz you in.” 

She held the door open for him and tapped a small key card on a sensor beside the door to the staircase. “Sadly buildings one through three don't have a lift, cause they’re the older ones.” 

“Three floors isn’t that bad.” 

“It is on the move-in day when you have a mini-fridge and a million boxes,” she said with a laugh. “Phil typically sleeps with his door unlocked cause me or James are always going in and stealing pencils or condoms from him seeing as he doesn’t use either but has an abundance.” 

“Okay.” 

“So what I’m saying is,” she said as she opened the door to their main room, “his door is the 5th one at the end of the hall, walk right in.” 

“Thank you,” he said softly.

“No problem dude.” 

He smiled at her one last time before walking down the hall, he stood outside Phil’s room and listened closely to the nothingness behind the door. He turned the doorknob slowly and walked inside, closing it just as softly behind himself. 

“Jimmy, mate it’s too early for condoms.” Phil’s groggy morning voice was like music to Dan’s ears. 

He sat on the side of his bed, he took his coat off and threw it on the floor and slipped out of his shoes. Phil was facing the wall, cuddled into a pillow. Dan laid down beside him, spooning him. “Jimmy what the fuck?” he said rolling over to see Dan. 

“Happy birthday babe,” he said with the largest smile on his face. 

Phil blinked a few times, using his free hand he rubbed his eyes, “I’m not dreaming am I?” he asked softly. 

“No.” Dan said, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Phil’s lips, “see, I’m here.” 

Phil wrapped himself around Dan, basically rolling on top of him he kissed Dan’s cheek a hundred times before pulling back and kissing his whole face. His forehead, dimple, nose, chin. Everything. All while Dan sat there and giggled through it. He’d never been so happy in his entire life. 

“Wait,” Phil said, reaching for his glasses on the side table. He put them on and looked down at Dan, finally able to see him. “Was that your first kiss with a guy?” 

Dan tilted his head up and kissed him again, “and that was my second.” 

“Of many,” Phil said, kissing him a third time. 

“How did you get here?” he asked. 

“I went and saw your mum and dad a few days after you left about how I wanted to come see you just to ask if she wanted me to bring anything for you, and they actually bought me the tickets and drove me to the train station this morning,” Dan explained. 

Phil smiled, “does she know?” 

“Yeah she cheekily got it out of me,” he laughed, “my mum knows too.” 

“Yeah?” 

“She tried to give me the talk last night, but she doesn’t know how gay sex even works so she said she’s going to google it and get back to me.” he giggled, pressing his head against Phil’s arm. 

Phil laughed too, “Yeah my dad tried to do that but then porn came up and he gave up.” 

“Oh god.” 

“Yeah, so needless to say he’s just told me to wrap it and go to the clinic often,” he said softly, dropping down from where he was perched to be fully resting against Dan. 

Dan wrapped his arms around him, it felt good to be crushed by Phil, he was laying on him with almost all his weight now and it made him feel oddly calm and safe. Phil rolled just then, taking Dan with him so that Dan was more on top of him. 

“You’re going to have to let me have a shower,” Phil whispered. 

“No.” 

“I also have to brush my teeth and pee, are you really going to stop me from doing basic hygiene?”

Dan nodded, “I’ve waited a month to hold you again, let me have a few more minutes.” 

“Fine but if I pee on you it’s your own fault,” Phil said, jokingly. 

“That just means I’d have to shower with you.” 

“Yeah okay.” 

“What?” Dan said, lifting his head to look at him.

“We’ve been dating for two weeks, you’re not ready to be naked around me yet.” he said, “right?” 

“I don’t know,” Dan said, a blush growing on his cheeks. “I trust you, I don’t think I’d be scared.” 

“It took me so long to be confident enough to be naked in front of someone,” Phil whispered, running a hand up and down Dan’s back. “I literally had my first time drunk and kept my shirt on cause I was scared.” 

Dan settled back down, he nuzzled himself into the nape of Phil’s neck and kissed him softly, “It’s different when it’s someone you really like, even love.” 

“You make everything less scary,” he said. “I’ve never been loved before, but I’d like for you to be the first one.” 

“I’d like to be the only one,” he said. 

Before he could get too emotional he heard his phone ringing in his coat pocket, he whined as he got out of bed and dug through his pocket. It was his mum. 

“I’m here I’m sorry I didn’t text I was preoccupied,” he said instead of hello. 

“You know why I worry Daniel.” 

“I know, I’ll text you before dinner and before bed tonight I’ll even set alarms on my phone to do so.” 

“Okay, well go have fun,” she said, “I love you.” 

“Love you to mum,” he said. “Bye.” 

He hung up and threw his phone back onto his coat. 

Phil threw the sheets off and climbed out of the bed, he was in just a pair of pyjama bottoms with a hole in the buttcheek. Dan poked it, hitting the skin. “Hey,” Phil warned. 

Dan laughed and laid back down in Phil’s bed, “go shower, I’ll be here.”


	7. Chapter 7

Phil’s door blew open and a guy who looked oddly similar to Dan walked in. “you’re not Phil.” he said. 

“I’m Dan.”

“Holy fucking shit.” he said, “he said you were pretty but now I see Phil’s got a type.” 

“What do you mean?” 

He sat down on the bed beside Dan, “I’m Jimmy, Phil was my first,” he said softly, “it was 3 years ago, nothings happened since so you don’t have to worry.” 

Dan just nodded, “and he always talks about how pretty and amazing you are.” Jimmy continued. 

“Yeah, I think he likes me a bit.” Dan laughed. 

Jimmy’s laugh was warm, “I came in to harass him about letting me throw him a birthday party.” 

“Well, I’m here now so I guess you have to.” 

“I like your thinking,” Jimmy said, standing up, “is there anything you like to drink? I’m going to the shops.”

“Malibu,” he said. 

“Phil loves it too,” Jimmy smiled, “got royally fucked up on it on New Years and wouldn’t stop talking about you.” 

“Yeah, he called me that night and told me he loved me.” Jimmy cocked an eyebrow and looked at him like he wanted all the details and Dan felt himself go fully pink. “And I freaked out cause I really liked him and I was kinda drunk too so I went home to freak out.” 

Jimmy smiled at him, Dan could feel his admiration from where he was sitting. “You’re meant for each other.” 

“Thanks,” Dan replied. 

“I’m going to the shops should I get anything else?” 

“Uh, no,” he said, “Kath sent me with some cakes for him so I think we’re good for tonight.” 

“Sick, I’ll be back later,” he said, closing Phil’s door behind him as he left. 

Dan took his remaining free time in Phil’s room to hang his coat up and move his bag and shoes out from the middle of the room. Phil had so many photos on his walls and a bunch of doodles and artwork that didn’t look like things he made. All of them said AmazingPhil on them, all of them included lions and a few of them had him drawn naked with things covering the important areas. 

He wondered if it was all a joke with his roommates, it was weird but not their weirdest thing he could find in Phil’s room. 

His room wasn’t a huge mess but it also wasn’t as organized as Dan’s room at home was. He couldn’t go more than a few days without cleaning everything off the floor, his brain just functioned better when his area was all clean. 

He picked up all of Phil’s clothes and put them in his laundry pile. He got all his stray papers and put them in a pile, he found pencils and pens all thrown around the room, he put them all in the little cup on his desk. He even poorly made Phil’s bed. 

Once everything was done he sat on Phil’s bed and awkwardly looked around the room. He didn’t know the wifi password to go on his phone, he really just wanted to mindlessly scroll through twitter. He didn’t know how to just chill without doing something. 

Luckily, he was only bored and alone in Phil’s room for a few minutes before he came back in. he was wrapped in 2 towels, one around his waist and one draped around his shoulders. His hair was wet and his cheeks were pink from the hot water, he was cute as heck. Dan couldn’t stop smiling at him. 

“Hi,” he smiled right back at Dan.

“Jimmy was in,” Dan said. 

“He didn’t harass you too badly, did he?” 

Dan shook his head, “Nah, he just told me that you have a type.” 

Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Remind me to murder him please.” 

Dan just giggled, “why?” 

Phil sighed, he took his shoulder towel off and threw it on the floor, “wait you cleaned?” 

“I got bored, can you change and come cuddle me again please?” 

“Close your eyes,” he said lightly, “unless you wanna see everything.” 

“Would you mind if I did look?” Dan asked, his whole face felt hot and his breathing felt heavier. 

Phil shook his head and dropped his towel. Dan slowly let his eyes move down his body, he was beautiful. He was a man. Dan was looking at a naked man, a man who he loved, for the first time in his whole life. His breath hitched, he couldn’t believe it. 

“If I cry don’t be offended,” he whispered. 

Phil reached into his drawer and took out some pants to throw on before crawling onto the bed and tackling Dan into the pillows. “Why would you cry?” 

“Seeing you naked, knowing you're my boyfriend, getting to just be here with you and kiss you, it’s all so gay,” he felt the tears well in his eyes, “and it feels so good to just be gay.” 

Phil kissed him all over his face until Dan was a smiley and giggly mess. “Being gay is amazing.” 

“If I wanted to have sex this weekend, could we?” 

“Are you really ready or are you just trying to hit maximum gay?” Phil questioned. 

“A mix of both,” Dan admitted, “like yeah I’m a little scared cause in my head you’re like some experienced god and I don’t know what I’m doing so that’s terrifying but I also know that I’ve always wanted to be with a man and now I can so I want to.” 

Phil nuzzled into his neck, “I am not a sex god. I don’t know what Jimmy said to you but just because I’ve slept around it doesn’t mean that I’m godlike.” he said softly, “I am just a person and I wish that I had waited, I threw myself at the first gay guy I met here and I wish I had of had my first with someone I loved or trusted.” 

“Like Jimmy?” Dan whispered. 

“Yeah, cause then it would have been relaxed and fun,” he said, “I wouldn’t have felt the need to get drunk and act like I knew what I was doing. Half the fun of sex is communicating and learning each other not trying to put on a show for someone.” 

“When we do have sex, I know it’ll be awkward and fun,” Dan assured him. “It might not be your first time, but it’ll be your first time with me and that’s special enough.” 

Phil looked down at him, “I have a feeling I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.” 

Dan felt his heart and his stomach flip right over, he had never felt so good in his whole life. He couldn’t believe that this time last year he was being harassed, attacked and assaulted and now he’s laying in bed with the man of his dreams wrapped around him. 

“I love you, Phil, I’ve loved you for a while.” 

“It doesn’t matter when it started, as long as you never stop,” he whispered before Dan pulled him into a kiss. 

His lips were so soft, the bottom one was so plump it fit between his perfectly. He let his hands roam Phil’s back, his skin was just as fucking soft. Phil kept pressing kisses to his mouth, the water droplets from his hair were dripping onto Dan’s cheeks but he didn’t care. He just wanted to hold Phil and kiss him for the rest of his life. 

They kissed and cuddled until their bellies were rumbling. Phil threw some clothes on and Dan tried to fix his hair to try and look like he hadn’t just been snogging his boyfriend for the better part of an hour. 

No one was in Phil’s hall was home, they all had class or were just out. Which meant they could continue to make out against the counter while they waited for their pizza to cook. Phil had him pressed into the corner cupboard, his hands on either side of Dan gripping the counter. Dan had his hands on Phil’s shirt, right on his pecks. 

Phil was just the tiniest bit taller than him, and he fucking loved it. He felt so tiny with him. It was wonderful having and older, taller, mature boyfriend. He wanted him to manhandle him, to just pick him up and carry him back to Phil’s bed and just have his way with him. He had never had a thought like that till Phil. 

“Phil,” he said as he pulled back. “If you don’t stop kissing me we’re going to have to abandon this pizza and go back to your room.” 

“The only thing better than pizza is post-sex pizza,” Phil said, kissing Dan’s ear and down his neck. 

“Can we?” 

Phil nodded and kept kissing his neck, “Pizza is done in 4 minutes,” he whispered against his skin. “We can't let it burn.” 

“So we can?” he asked shyly. 

Phil smiled against Dan’s ear, “Not like all the way, but we can do stuff.”

“Stuff,” Dan whispered. 

They kept kissing till the over beeped, Phil took the pizza out with his over gloves and handed Dan a cutting board. “Follow me,” he said, leading them back to Phil’s room. He placed the cutting board on Phil’s desk where the pizza was then laid upon and Dan awkwardly stared at him. 

He wasn’t sure if the feeling in his stomach was nerves or anticipation. He was scared of Phil seeing him naked, no one had ever seen him naked before. He took a deep breath and walked towards Phil, pressing his hips to Phil’s, he ran his hands up and down Phil’s arms while staring up at his eyes. 

“You sure?” Phil asked again. 

Dan nodded, he reached forward and kissed him again. 

He wasn’t scared when he was kissing him. Because it felt right. Part of him always wondered why he wasn’t like the other kids, experimenting and going out having sex with each other while at parties, but then he kissed Phil and he knew why. He wasn’t interested in the meaningless part of sex that people partook in, he wanted to fall in love and feel something more than just pleasure. He wanted to be loved. 

“We should lock the door,” Dan whispered. 

“No one is home.”

“Right now,” Dan said, “but if Jimmy has a habit of just walking in I really don’t want him to see me naked.” 

Phil pulled back, his hands were still on Dan’s hips, “but you want me to?”

“Only you.” 

Phil had his back turned in order to lock the door for not even 10 seconds, and in that time Dan had whipped his shirt off and pushed his jeans and pants down to his ankles. He manically kicked his legs out of the jeans till he was just standing there, basically naked if it wasn’t for his socks. 

Phil turned around and laughed shortly before throwing his shirt to the floor as well. He slowly made his way back to Dan until they were pressed together once more. “You’re beautiful.” 

Dan could feel the blush spread across his face. “You’re not too bad yourself.” 

He ran his hands up Phil’s arms once again, stopping at his shoulders. His hand stretched around to the back of his neck where he pulled him down into a kiss. “I want you to make love to me,” Dan whispered. 

Phil giggled, “make love?” 

“Shut up,” Dan said, swatting his arm. “Can we get in your bed?” 

“Absolutely,” Phil said, taking Dan’s hand and walking with him to the bed, lifting the covers and letting Dan get in first. 

He didn’t know how to just sit there with Phil looking at him. It felt more intimate to have Phil stare at him naked than it had that morning when he looked at Phil. he watched Phil push his pj’s and pants down and step out of them. He just stared at him. 

Phil laid down beside him, they turned to their sides, not yet touching each other but just looking and smiling at each other. “What do you want to do?” Phil asked. 

“Is it weird that I’ve always wanted to suck a dick?” Dan said lightly, “like I just think I’d love it.” 

Phil laughed, “not weird at all, it was the first thing I did too, it’s exhilarating.” 

“So, can I?” 

Phil laid on his back more, “go for it, explore, let me be your test subject.” 

Dan straddled him, sitting on Phil’s thighs so that he could run his hands all over Phil’s body. He touched his nipples, feeling them perk up against the pads of his fingers. His chest hair was coarse and long, it felt like maybe he shaved it off once before. Dan couldn’t imagine him not having chest hair, it just affirmed that he was in fact a man that Dan was sitting on, buck ass naked. 

Right under his belly button, the hair started up again, he would have been able to see it if it wasn’t for his dick laying there fully hard in anticipation for what was to come. He kept his hands on Phil’s hips while he just stared, “it won't bite.” 

Dan smiled slightly at the comment, he moved his hand to rest it on his penis when Phil started him with a growl, Dan flinched his hand back. The two of them laughed uncontrollably, Dan dropped down, laying on his with his head in the crook of Phil’s neck. 

“This is what you wanted for your first time?” Dan asked him. 

“Yeah.” 

Dan kissed his neck, and down his chest, he set his head on Phil’s hip bone and just marvelled at him. He ran his hand along the underside of his dick before wrapping his fist around it. “I didn’t expect you to be circumcised,” he said. 

Phil laughed, “why not?” 

“My parents didn’t do it for me or my brother, and all the guys at school always said that they weren’t,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, mum didn’t do it for Martyn and he got an infection when he was four so they got me done.” Phil said, “sorry it’s like really unsexy to talk about my family with my dick in your hand.” 

Dan laughed, “sorry, I’m nervous.” 

“That’s okay, take your time.” Phil encouraged him. 

Dan stroked him a bit, feeling the roughness of skin on skin and knowing all too well that it didn’t feel the greatest. He bit the bullet and licked along the vein of his dick, he heard Phil suck in a breath, he could only imagine what someone’s mouth would feel like on his own.

He took that into consideration, he thought of what he’d like and applied that to Phil. no teeth, lots of tongue, he used his hand on the parts he couldn’t reach. And he was right, he really did love this. The weight of it on his tongue, hearing Phil’s noises, knowing that he was the reason that a man was feeling so good. He was on cloud fucking nine. 

Phil’s hand was in his hair, every time he swirled his tongue on the head he felt Phil grip a little tighter and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it. He liked all of this just a little too much, he was achingly hard, he kept rubbing down against the mattress just to feel a little friction, but then again this was all so hot he could cum untouched.

He pulled off with a pop, spit grossly connected his bottom lip to the head of Phil’s cock and again, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it just a little. 

“You good?” Phil asked. 

“I can feel myself getting close just from doing that,” he said, “is it sappy that I want to finish with you?” 

“No, come here,” Phil said, sitting up a bit. “Sit right here on my thighs.” 

Phil wrapped his hand around both of them, and just the small amount of contact had Dan seeing stars. He bit his lip trying his hardest not to moan and embarrass himself in the process. He felt his breathing hitch, he was too good. The spit on Phil’s dick made it easier for Phil’s hand to move along them. 

Dan rested his hands on Phil’s shoulders, he gripped tightly at the feeling, digging his nails into the skin slightly. A moan like noise slipped out from his throat, he tipped his head back and ground down into Phil as he worked his hand over them a bit faster. 

“Fuck,” he said, “oh fuck,” he repeated. It all felt like too much. 

Someone else's hand was on him for the first time in his whole life, and that someone was his boyfriend. It all felt too real, everything came crashing down on him at that moment. He was in love, and happy and having what he was going to consider as sex with another man. 

He couldn’t even tell Phil that he was close, he just finished all over his hand while his body spasmed. His thighs twitched and his nails were firmly pressed into Phil’s shoulders now. And just then he felt Phil finish, his cum joining Dan’s around his hand and his dick twitching against Dan’s. 

Phil reached over to his night table and grabbed a handful of tissues to clean them off. He balled it up and threw it in the corner of the room before pulling Dan’s head down to his chest so they could cuddle. 

Dan didn’t know how to speak. He was afraid that if he did, he would cry. Phil wasn’t speaking either, he was just running his hand up and down Dan’s back and kissing the top of his head before he pressed his cheek to where the kisses just were. And his cheek felt wet. 

Dan peaked his head up to see Phil lightly crying with a sad smile on his face. “Are you okay?” Dan asked, feeling tears building in his own eyes. 

“I just really love you.” 

Dan laughed as the tears fell down his cheeks, “I love you too.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is heavy. there will be mentions of abuse, both verbal and physical. mentions of homophobic slurs and hate crimes. mentions of suicidal thoughts. please be careful while reading, and thank you for reading this chapter it holds a lot of weight in my heart and i hope that you like it too.

They cleaned up and ate their pizza and pretended not to hear Jimmy outside the door asking how the “lovebirds” were doing. They just stayed in bed cuddled into each other, happier than they’ve ever been before. 

Dan was staring up at the wall while Phil’s head was on his chest, he was still so puzzled by all the amazing Phil drawings. 

“Who is amazing Phil?” he whispered. 

“That’s my YouTube username,” Phil said, “I make videos online.” 

“Oh? How’s that going?” 

“Good, yeah,” he said softly, “I really like it. Jimmy does it too, and we have a few friends Charlie and Chris and PJ who also make videos.” 

“I used to watch a lot of Smosh,” Dan said because he really didn’t know what else to say.

“It doesn’t creep you out?” 

“No, it’s cool.” Dan ran his hand up and down Phil’s back lightly, “it just means I can watch your videos when I miss you now.” 

“You’re going to have to make videos too so I can do the same.” 

“Maybe I will,” Dan said before pressing a kiss to the top of Phil’s head. 

At some point Phil fell asleep, his weight shifted and suddenly he was heavier against Dan’s chest. He traced his fingers along Phil’s spine, feeling the bumps with the pads of his fingers and etching them into his memory. 

He wanted to remember this moment forever. He wanted to think about this feeling of Phil’s naked body pressed to his every time a bad thought came to his mind. Every nightmare he had about his attack, every time his dad told him he looked like a poof with his straight hair, every time he needed to remind himself that he was allowed to be gay. 

The literal definition of gay literally means happy, and right now he was really fucking gay. 

At some point he fell asleep too, it was one of those naps that absorbed you whole before spitting you back into reality feeling completely horrible. The kisses Phil left on his chest made him feel more at ease but overall his body knew something bad was coming before it happened. 

Phil tried asking him what was wrong, he went as far as asking if Dan regret what they did and if he was uncomfortable now to which Dan had to settle his nerves and just tell him he didn’t feel good. It was the only thing he could say that made sense, he really didn’t feel good. He got like this a lot. 

“Do you want to shower? Maybe that’ll help?” Phil suggested. 

“Yeah, let’s do that.” 

“You want me to come in with you?” Phil asked, a small smile on his face. 

He nodded, “I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

-

Poppy: call me please  
Poppy: Dan I swear to god   
Poppy: I need you where the fuck are you?   
Poppy: put your dick back in your pants and fucking call me!!!!!

He panicked seeing her texts, she was never like this. His face dropped, his heart rate picked up and he just looked at Phil with the most fear he’d ever felt in his life. Phil looked at him equally as worried, his mouth hung open and his head moved as if to ask what was wrong without the words coming out. 

Dan hit the small green phone by her name and listened to the phone dial. 

“Finally where the fuck were you?” Poppy said as she picked up. 

“I was having a shower, we’re going to a party.” he said, “what happened?" 

“Dad came home, and Adrian told him I’m gay and he fully went off on me and said that I just need to get some good dick in my life to fuck the gay out of me and mum yelled at him and now they’re fighting and I’m terrified so I took your keys and I’m just in the parking lot by the school and I don’t want to go home.” 

She spoke so fast, and Dan took in every word but he didn’t fully understand. His body felt like it was shutting down he just sat on the floor still in his towel and stared at the carpet. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. 

“Dan what do I do?” she cried. 

He didn’t know how to speak, he just kinda sat there doing nothing for what felt like too long. So long that Phil picked up the phone and told her to go to his mum's house, “I’ll call her and tell her what’s wrong just please go there if you need somewhere safe to be,” Phil explained. 

“Okay, I can’t talk and drive though,” she was loud enough the dan could hear her off the speaker, “I’ll text you when I make it there.” 

“Alright be safe,” Phil said, “We love you.” 

That’s what broke Dan the most. It wasn’t the fact that he was scared shitless of his asshole father’s reaction or how this was going to affect their family. No, it was the fact that when all else was failing he had what looked like a second family. Phil and Kath and Nigel had enough love in their hearts to take in a million more kids who needed a home and that broke him.

He’d never known someone with so much love. He had never felt this much pure love in his life. But Phil loved him, and his sister and Dan loved him more than he could ever fucking express in a coherent manner. 

He was in love, and as of that moment, he was safe for what he hoped was forever. 

“Dan?” Phil said, sitting down on the floor across from him. 

His big blue eyes were teary, his face was soft and he was still very much naked. Dan felt his lips quiver as the sobs escaped his throat and he felt his body cave, his weight dropping to the floor slightly more as he hunched down. 

Phil scooped him into his arms and rubbed his back. The feeling of his damp and pruney hand on his equally damp back was uncomfortable, but he needed that. He needed to feel the uncomfortableness because then at least he was feeling something else. 

His heart was aching. There were too many feelings to process. His love for Phil topped by his fear for what it would be like to face his father, and furthermore, he was absolutely outraged that anyone on this fucking planet would say such terrible things to his wonderful, smart, amazing and beautiful little sister. 

He was angry and sad and in love and all those feelings at once were fucking hard to cope with. 

“I have to call my mum, are you okay?” he asked softly. 

Dan nodded, “thank you.” 

“I’ll do anything for you, for the rest of my life.” 

Dan just sobbed, putting his face in his hands where he sat on the floor while Phil dialled his mother's number from Dan’s phone. Dan listened to the whole call, hearing Phil recount what happened and who Poppy was and how she would be going to Kath’s house. She didn’t argue, she thanked him for being a good person and caring, and she told him to tell Dan that Poppy would always be safe with them but to let Karen know where she was if Poppy didn’t feel safe enough to call her herself. 

Dan felt a weight lift off his shoulders, he could hear the anger in Kath's voice after Phil gave a nicer version of what Dan’s father had said to her. As a woman, as a mother, as a decent fucking human being; she understood and Dan knew she was going to care for Poppy. 

Dan put his hand out for the phone, he swallowed sharply as Phil said Dan needed to talk to her. 

“Hello child, are you alright?” 

“I just want to say thank you,” he let out, a little louder than a whisper. “I love you, and your family.” 

Their eyes met as he said it. It included Phil, it would always include Phil.

“I love you too, I have to go she’ll be here in a minute but you call me if you need me okay?” 

“Thank you, I will,” he replied. “Bye.” 

“Bye love,” she replied before the line went dead. 

Phil just engulfed him in a hug. One arm around his middle holding him close and the other hand was at the base of his skull, keeping his face pressed to his where their tears met and Dan honestly didn’t know who’s belonged to who. 

“I love you.” 

Dan heard the words but he didn’t react. 

“I love you,” Phil repeated. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

Dan cried, his whole body heaving as he sobbed into the nape of Phil’s neck. 

The abuse was hard to cope with. He thought he was doing okay, but it was little things that made him remember it. Like now, you’d think he was remembering the trauma because his sister was technically verbally assaulted, which is what came before the beating he received. But no, what was making him have a panic-induced meltdown was the fact that he was loved. 

Because as he sat there on the asphalt on a cold August evening, bleeding and broken and hurting in more ways than just one, the only thoughts in his head were “I will never be loved.” 

Because as they called him a faggot and a freak and a disgrace to man, he believed them. Because as he lay in a pool of his own blood, alone in the dark, he thought of his options. He imagined a sad life of fake smiles and a wife he didn’t love and kids he made through doing something that made him feel sick. But then he imagined life with a man, not being able to hold his hand, having this happen again and again because they were right. He wasn’t meant to be happy while living that life. 

He hoped that he would die in that moment. That the blood loss and the bruised internal injuries got to him before an ambulance could have. He’d sooner die than spend the rest of his life being unhappy. 

No one knew that. He had never said it out loud. He didn’t think that anyone would care, that they’d play it off as teen angst and say he’d get over it or that it was just a reaction to the pain, not anything more than that. 

But now, he was in the arms of a man who he loved and who he knew loved him back and he couldn’t fucking believe the difference 6 months made. So he cried, he cried till it hurt and he couldn’t breathe and the feeling in his chest hurt more now than it did when he was being kicked repeatedly. 

He pulled back from Phil, he could feel how puffy he was and how wet his face was from the tears and snot and his hair still dripping from the shower. But he opened his eyes and he looked at the man he loved, the man who showed him love, the man who he knew he’d hold hands with and take a beating any day if it meant he got to love and be loved by him for now until forever. 

And so he held Phil’s face in his hands and he wiped his tears with his thumbs and he just stared at him. 

“I love you more.”


	9. Chapter 9

He was beyond exhausted. Phil helped him get back up to his feet and tucked him into bed while he called Karen and Kath and made sure everyone was okay. 

Dan’s dad had left again apparently. Dan heard his mum say that she always knew he was a bit bigoted and if he was going to hold his dumb views over the safety and love of her children she didn’t want him around. But, Poppy still felt too hurt to go home, so Kath made up the guest bed and fed her dinner and she was going to be okay. 

Phil went out to talk to Jimmy a little while later. Dan was seemingly asleep when he did so as he’d been laying there still with his eyes closed just thinking of how much he loved Phil. He couldn’t form words so he just didn’t try, he rather sit there in silence and take in all the love than open his mouth and possibly ruin everything. 

He heard Jimmy’s voice in the kitchen, “did I hear him crying?” he asked

“Yeah, his dad found out that his sister is gay and fucking lost it, dude, I don’t think he knows Dan is yet but his sister is with my mum now, and it’s just a fucking mess dude.” 

Jimmy sighed, “can I still throw you a party?” 

“Yeah, I think we might need that, honestly,” Phil said softly. “I just want to get a little drunk and be a bit of an idiot, ya know?” 

“Go get ready then, people will be here around eight and I want to pre-game.” 

Dan was sitting up in Phil’s bed when he came back. He was still naked, the covers just hiding his modesty ever so slightly, he smiled and patted the bed for Phil to come back and join him. Phil laid down with his head in Dan’s lap. It was different having him so close to his dick while there was nothing but a sheet keeping them apart. He ran his fingers through Phil’s hair while Phil just closed his eyes and let himself be calm. 

“Are you still up to party?” Phil asked him, his voice was low and relaxed. 

“I want to see drunk Phil,” Dan replied, equally just as soft. 

Phil laughed to himself, “oh god.” 

“What?” 

“I get really touchy and lovey,” he said, lifting his head from Dan’s lap to look at him. “Like I will not leave you alone all night, just fair warning.” 

Dan’s smile grew very wide, “I’m not sure what I’m like, I never let myself get drunk in Wokingham cause I didn’t trust myself to not do anything stupid and I haven’t done much since we moved.”

“I get to be the first one to meet drunk Dan,” Phil said, and the thought looked to have excited him. 

“Yeah,” Dan replied, he smiled and all he could think about was kissing Phil’s smile right off his face. “But first I need to straighten my hair and get ready.”

“Okay but tomorrow can you leave the curls in?” he asked, running his fingers through Dan’s damp fringe. “I think you look beautiful.” 

He blushed and thanked him. He’d never felt beautiful before, but when Phil said it, he believed it.

He sat on Phil’s floor behind his door where his body length mirror was. He was just in pants and a shirt now. One of Phil’s shirts to be exact. It felt good to wear his boyfriend's things and know that he had a boyfriend in the first place. 

Phil had really crappy GHD’s, it felt like it was taking forever to get his hair to look good but really it was just that he was even more on edge than he normally was and he was taking it out on his hair. He finally stopped fiddling with it, he put on a pair of jeans and some socks and made his way to the kitchen where Phil and his flatmates were. 

They all welcomed him to their little family. Phil had been living with all of them for 4 years now, they were literally a family. They all had partners, Phil had 2 gay roommates as well, so he felt loved and happy right from the beginning. 

They did shots, too many of too many different things and suddenly the room was full of strangers Dan had never met and he was warm and bubbly. Jimmy had surprised him with some of their YouTube friends showing up. They all introduced themselves to Dan, giving him the biggest hugs and saying how much Phil’s changed since October. 

Soon enough Dan felt overwhelmed with the day of travel and sex and situations that he grabbed the bottle of Malibu and sat alone in the corner behind the sofa, all by himself. His fist around the neck of the bottle, he kept sipping at it lightly till he could barely understand the world around him. But it felt good, and it’s all that mattered. 

Jimmy picked him up off the floor a few minutes later, asking him if he’d direct him to that cake that Phil’s mum packed so that they could sing him a happy birthday. He didn’t even know where Phil was, all he knew was that he wanted to eat the cake and hug him. So that’s what he did. 

Jimmy lit the candle on a cupcake and they walked into the room singing happy birthday to Phil, Dan found him and wrapped his arms around his middle and placed his head against his back while Phil blew out his candle. He turned around in Dan’s hold and placed his hands on his cheeks, he pulled him into a kiss and the whole room cheered. 

He couldn’t believe how wonderful it felt to be in love and out to people he never knew, and to be out to his mum and his sister and his friend Lauren. He was basically out, he smiled into the kiss. He felt really fucking happy compared to how he felt this time last year. 

He wasn’t sure what song was playing, but he knew it had a beat and he knew his hips were touching Phil’s and swaying with him just felt right. The room was spinning, or they were, he didn’t know. But they were screaming the lyrics and dancing so intensely the room was shaking. It felt like the whole building was there in the room like everyone on campus loved the man that Dan called his boyfriend, and they should. He was amazing, no pun intended. 

They kept dancing, Dan slipped his leg in between Phil’s so that as they moved to the music they ground together. He felt like his body was going to catch on fire, like the friction from the dancing and Phil’s hands on his butt mixed with the alcohol in his veins, he just wanted to run back to his room and lock the door and sleep with him again. 

It was barely midnight, and the dorm rules were that they had to be quiet at 1 am. He just had to make it another hour and then they could retreat back to Phil’s room and Dan could have his way with him. While Phil was a happy and friendly drunk, Dan learned that he turned into a sexual predator when he was this far gone. 

Soon enough he found himself sitting back on the floor but with Phil pressed against his side. Nothing was funny but for some reason, he couldn’t stop laughing. He was happy. Phil had his arm wrapped around him, he kept kissing his cheek and his shoulder and Dan couldn’t stop giggling. 

The party got shut down close to quiet hours, the “dorm daddy” as Phil drunkenly called him, knocked on their door and sent everyone home. But before they opened the door, Dan and Phil ran back to his room and locked the door. Dan didn’t have a visitors pass, and Jimmy took the blame for the party. 

They didn’t go back out to the lounge after everything ended, instead, Phil pushed him against the door and kissed down his neck. Dan normally didn’t like people touching him there, it brought back fear and trauma and an unsettled feeling in his stomach. But with Phil’s lips pressed against him, there was a different feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

He couldn’t hold in his moans, Phil was kissing him while palming against him and it felt too good to not acknowledge it. Phil struggled to pull Dan’s shirt over his head, but once it was on the floor with Dan’s other things, he kissed all down his stomach till he was on his knees in front of him. 

“Can I?” he asked. 

Dan nodded, leaning his head back against the door just a little too hard and leaving a thud. His fingers found Phil’s hair and Phil’s fingers found his zipper. Soon enough his pants and jeans were pushed away just enough and his cock was in Phil’s mouth and he felt like he had died and gone to heaven. 

He’d heard of the term whisky dick before, how drinking made it harder to get off. Once again, no pun intended, he made himself giggle a bit thinking about it. He knew his mind was all over the place, he was horny and emotional and still a bit sad from the long day that they had. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the first time he thought about how much he wanted to be with Phil. He remembered cuddling into him, thinking about how much he loved him, how it didn’t feel like a friendly love, rather just full-blown love. Capital L, Love. 

He vowed to love him from the red side of the moon that morning, to keep it to himself and hidden from the earth. But now, as Phil was there in front of him on his knees, pleasuring him in a way that no one had ever done, he didn’t want to hide it anymore. 

“Phil,” he said, “come here.” 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked from the floor. 

He nodded, “come here,” he repeated. 

Phil stood, looking him in the eyes, he held onto him by his arms either to just hold him to steady himself, Dan didn’t know which one. “I really want to sleep with you.” 

“Not tonight,” he replied. 

“I know, but I just want you to know,” he studdered a few of the words on their way out, “I love you.” 

“Yeah?” 

He closed his eyes and nodded ever so slightly, “I want to love you forever.” 

“Are you saying this just to get in my pants?” he said with a laugh.

“No,” Dan was still so drunk his eyes were closed and he could barely think of a good response, “I want to touch your penis,” he whispered before giggling. 

Phil laughed like it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. He grabbed Dan by his wrists and directed the two of them to his bed. The day he thought of loving Phil from the red side of the moon he also thought of how scary sex would be, how weird it would be to let someone see and touch him. But now, as he took all his clothes off and slid under the covers of Phil’s twin bed, it wasn’t scary at all.

Getting ontop of Phil wasn’t scary. Touching him was a blessing, being touched by him was euphoric. Before he saw sex as something his friends did for the hell of it, something parents did to have babies, he never saw it as fun and loving and good. Phil had changed the way he saw the world so much. He changed the way he felt about his life, he just changed him. All for the better. 

They whispered that they loved each other a lot while they messed around that night. It was hot and beautiful but also sticky and gross. They laid there afterwards panting in each other’s arms. Cum drying on Dan’s chest while Phil cuddled into him. 

“I have to get up and get a towel or you’ll probably get a rash,” Phil said with a sigh, “but I’m so comfortable.” 

“Use a shirt off the floor, make it quick.” Dan laughed, he wasn’t as drunk now as he was when they started. Phil’s alarm clock showed that 2 hours had passed, it wasn’t Phil’s birthday anymore. 

He was now 22 and 1 day. Dan was sleeping with a man. He never saw this happening in his whole life, not the age difference or the fact that he was fucking an actual man. He was gay. So fucking gay, and he was okay with that in this moment. Being gay with Phil, feeling that good, making someone else feel that good, what could possibly be wrong about that?

“Do you know where my phone is?” Dan asked.

Phil got up, Dan stared at his cute pale and round butt as he reached to the back of his desk to unplug Dan's phone before handing it to him. He got back in and cuddled back into Dan’s side. He watched as Dan opened the chat with his mum. 

Dan: sorry it’s late, we had a birthday party for Phil and I got a bit drunk and forgot. I love you, I hope you’re okay tonight. I’ll text you when I wake up <3

“Are you feeling okay?” Phil asked. 

“I’m drunk and just had lowkey sex with a boy that I love,” Dan mumbled the words. “I’ve never been better Phil, honestly.”

“Even with your parents?” 

“My dad is never home. My mom is happier when he isn’t around. I wasn’t planned, they got pregnant with Poppy when I wasn’t even 1 yet, and then they had Adrian to try and rekindle things. My mom told me all about it when I was in the hospital. They tried couples therapy, they’ve tried having breaks. She knows that he doesn’t come home on weekends because he’s seeing a woman he works with. This happening just means she has a real reason to leave him, it was harder to say they just fell out of love. But to say he’s an asshole to her daughter, that she can say.” 

“I’m really sorry.” 

Dan snuggled into him more, “don’t be.” 

“I’m just glad I get to be the one to love you right,” Phil whispered. 

“Me too.” 

They fell asleep like that, closer than ever. Dan felt safe, his body was still reeling from the alcohol and the orgasm and the feeling of being loved. He fell asleep with a smile on his face, Phil tucked into his chest, using him as a pillow. 

He never wanted to leave this feeling, they made a camp on the red side of the moon and they were going to stay there forever. No one could touch them there, no one could say anything to them or hurt them again. There they got to love each other the right way. Just them against the world.


	10. Chapter 10

Leaving Phil was hard. His train was at 4 pm and Phil went down to the platform with him. He kissed him there even with everyone around them. He cried as the train left the station. He texted his mum with tears in his eyes and then he let Kath know he was on his way. 

At the Manchester station, Kath held him in a long hug and he cried again. She rubbed his back and told him that Phil would be home again soon and that she’d help them see each other anytime they wanted to. She knew how important love was, she told him on the way home that she was in his shoes once, but she reminded him that time made it easier. 

“One day you’ll look back on missing him,” she said softly, “from the home you share with your kids and pets and you’ll wonder how time flew by so fast. Let your heart ache, it's a good thing. Miss him with your whole being because one day he’ll never leave you alone.” 

“You think we’ll be together that long?” he asked. 

“I hope so.” 

His mum sat him and Poppy down at the dinner table that night. “I’m going to divorce your father,” she said softly. 

They both nodded, “we understand.” 

“Now, the house is technically nana’s so we'll get to stay here and Tim will keep any money that is made from the rent on the Wokingham place.” she explained further, “nana said she’d like to move in with us as well. We’re going to turn the empty office into her and popsies room.” 

“That will be nice actually.” Dan said with a smile, “does she know yet?” 

“Poppy told her what happened. But you can come out to her when you are ready.” 

Dan went to his room after that, he opened his bag to sort the things that needed to be washed and make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything when he found one of Phil’s sweaters. His green York hoodie, nicely folded at the bottom of the bag. It made him want to cry a bit. 

He quickly unfolded it and slid it over his head. The front pocket felt a little sharp, he dug his hand in there to find a folded piece of lined notebook paper. 

Dan,   
You’re sleeping right now, and I know I should be cuddling you but I’m making this note for when you get home. I know that the pain I feel in my heart when you’re not here is almost unbearable, I can’t imagine how much worse it’ll be after getting to spend this wonderful weekend with you. I’m writing this so that you have something to read when we can't be together. I hope you wear my hoodie and feel a little less alone while I’m not there to wrap myself around you.   
There are only 13 days till I come home again and we get to spend a week together. I’m so excited to hold you and kiss you again. I love you very much <3  
Your boyfriend, Phil. 

Dan held it close to his heart. He wanted to cry he missed him so much already. He peeled himself out of his jeans and climbed into bed with his note. He put the hood up with the neckline brought over his lips so that he could easily smell the fabric and think of his boyfriend. He felt around for his phone under the covers, he found it and dialled his number right away. 

Phil picked up after a few rings, “hello,” he said softly.

“I love you too.” 

He could hear Phil’s smile, “you got the note?” 

“If these next two weeks don’t fly by I’m going to be so sad,” he whispered so that he didn’t cry. 

“Me too, I want to actually take you out on a date in Manchester.” 

“I’ve never been on a date before,” he admitted. 

“That's a lie,” Phil laughed, “we got milkshakes and sat in your car.”

“You counted that as a date?” 

“Um, if you didn’t know I’ve been in love with you since you sat on my bed and told me about yourself and let me hold you. So yes that was a dare to me,” Phil’s sarcasm was so in your face that Dan laughed. 

They were quiet, Dan could hear his breathing and there was nothing he wanted more than to lay his head on Phil’s chest again and listen in person. To feel the rise and fall under him, the feeling of his breath in his hair and the soothing feeling of him drawing patterns on his naked back with the pads of his fingers. 

They fell asleep on the phone that night, the sound of Phil’s breathing was his new favourite thing. He hung up when he woke up for school that morning, he shot him a text saying that he loved him and he went to get in the shower. 

He was going to tell his friends today. Lauren already knew but Cassidy didn’t. He was a bit jittery that whole day. His sister noticed as they drove to school, Lauren noticed in class and by the time lunch rolled around and the 4 of them were all sitting together he felt sick. 

“Lauren and Poppy know already but, um, I’m gay,” he announced to his friend group. 

Cassidy broke out into a massive smile, the boy she started seeing after New Years and all his friends were there too and they all seemed happy. “Congrats man,” “that’s so cool that you accept yourself,” “I’m always here if you need anyone buddy,” everyone was so nice about it. 

“Can I start finding you a boyfriend?” Cassidy asked, “like I think Noah from my Geo class is out?” 

“I actually have a boyfriend,” he smiled lightly. “And you’re kinda the reason.” 

“What?” 

“Remember you told us that Phil Lester had been outed?” he asked lightly. 

“Holy fuck,” she smiled, “how did that happen?” 

“I found him on your myspace that night and messaged him and we’ve been together since right after New Years,” he smiled, staring down at his sandwich that he was too nervous to eat. “I spent the weekend at his uni with him for his birthday.” 

“I’m so happy for you Dan that’s amazing!” Cassidy cheered, “I’ve fooled around with some girls before, I don’t think I have a label for it but it’s cool that you do.” 

“It’s still kinda weird to say it like I don’t know if it’s the right fit but I do know I’m in love with a man and gay feels good right now.” 

He was surprised how easy it was to tell them all. Once it was all said and done and they were back in class after lunch he took a moment to breathe and think about it. They were all so much nicer than his old ‘friends’, they were so loving and okay with gay people it was like he truly found his people.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a quote from Hamlet in here. idk if i need to cite it 
> 
> Mature talks with Dan's mum, a healthy and beautiful relationship between them forms, with communication trust and love.

Counting down the days till Phil came home was excruciating, but what made it worse was that every day till then he had to prepare for asking his mum to stay alone with him for the whole weekend, AND tell his grandma about him too. That was terrifying. 

He didn’t have the courage to tell his mum until the 12th, literally a day before Phil came home. She had put Adrian to bed, Poppy went out with Lauren for the night, nan was already in bed and she was finally alone in the lounge. 

“Mum,” he said softly, sitting on the edge of the sofa. 

“Bear,” she replied with his old and overused nickname. 

“I want to ask you for permission for something and I’m scared, but I really want to do this, and-”

“Phil’s coming home this weekend, and you want to sleep at his house,” she said with a smirk. 

“Yeah, how did you know?” 

“Kath Facebook messaged me, wanted me to know she’d be out of town if you two get up to anything.”

“Oh.”

“You can go,” she smiled softly, “but be careful, don’t do anything you’re afraid of and don’t let him pressure you. I can give you the talk, I did a lot of research on,” she looked at him with an eyebrow raised, “gay sex,” she whispered. 

He could feel himself turning bright red. “Mum, thank you but don’t.” 

“I asked a friend at work, he’s gay and been with his partner for 15 years now. He gave me a package to give to you, stuff to be safe with, I haven’t looked at it cause it’s not my place but I want you to be okay, with Phil or any other man you’re with. It’s in my bathroom under the sink,” she explained. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, just ease my mind and be safe.”

“Mum, thank you,” he said, but he felt like crying. “I love you, I didn’t expect you to be this understanding about this.” 

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, she leaned back against the couch and rubbed her hand over his back, “You know I got pregnant with you too young, and while yes it wasn’t planned, from the second I knew of your existence and I knew I was going to be a mum I made it my mission to protect you and accept you however you turned out.” 

“Do you think nana will be accepting when I tell her?” 

“I’ve fully done some research into the bible and how never once did Jesus say being gay was wrong just in case she pulls some shit about it being unnatural, I read all about how the translations changed overtime to make the followers of the bible believe in certain things and not others. I’m not going to let her or anyone ever tell you you’re wrong because you’re perfect.”

He held her tighter and cuddled into her more while a tear ran down his cheek. “I love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you more Daniel, my sweet boy.” 

He pulled back from her grip to smile once more, “Phil comes home tomorrow at 4, I’m going to get him at the train station and then we’re going back to his house, I’ll be there till Sunday night then I’ll come home cause I have school all week but he’s off all week do you mind if he comes here for dinner a few nights? I don’t want him to live off pop tarts and pizza all week while his parents are in Florida.” 

“Are we telling nana before or after he’s here for dinner?” 

He took a deep breath, “I’ll tell her at breakfast tomorrow morning, then I can leave for school and not be back till Sunday if she has a problem.” 

“Okay,” she said, reaching for the remote to turn off the TV they hadn’t been paying attention to. “Have you packed?” 

“Yeah,” he laughed lightly, “I packed yesterday I’m too excited.” 

“Go on and get in bed then, big day tomorrow.” 

“Thank you again,” he said before giving her one last hug. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

-

Under his mum's sink was a box. He had a feeling he knew what was going to be in it, all things that he was scared to order or buy himself. He took it back to his room and laid it on his bed, sitting cross-legged in front of it, he opened it carefully. 

There was a pamphlet for the Manchester clinic for sexual health checkups on top. The man who packaged it all up put a little note in as well. 

“Hi Dan, your mum tells me you’ve been seeing a man for some time now and my boyfriend and I wanted to wish you well, being new to the gay scene in overwhelming and scary at times but we welcome you with open arms. Here are some things to help you when you’re ready. Don’t do anything if you aren’t. I’ve heard horror stories of experienced gay men taking advantage of newly out or mostly closeted young men. Put your health and safety first always and don’t be afraid to text me if you have questions. -Steven and Mark.” 

He smiled, other than Phil and his roommates, Dan had never known any other gay men. He’s never spoken to an older gay person who’s been out with a partner for years, it felt good. He felt confident for his future as a gay man. 

A fully gay man. 

He looked at the rest of the box, an array of travel-sized lube and a variety box of condoms. But at the bottom, there was a box with a sticky note on it, “for if you choose to play catcher, be safe.” 

He couldn’t help but laugh, he knew what it was and how to use it because he’d spent a whole night googling it once. And he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t excited to finally have it. He packed everything into his bag and changed into his pants to go to bed. 

Dan: so excited to see you tomorrow, I love you very much <3

Phil: I love you more, have a good day at school tomorrow I’ll text you when I am leaving

Dan: I’m telling my nana about us tomorrow morning too

Phil: Goodluck

Phil: it’ll be okay, I can't wait to hug you tomorrow.

Dan smiled at his phone, alone in the darkness, Phil still managed to make him feel all warm and happy. He hit the little green call button, missing his voice. 

“Hello,” Phil said, deep and quiet

“I’m not bothering you am I?”

“You could never bother me, what’s up?”

“I just miss your voice, even though I heard it last night.” 

“Aww,” Phil said, lightly teasing him, “so are we on for this weekend?” 

"Yeah, mum said it’s all good and she gave me a present from her gay friend for this weekend.” 

“Oh?”

“I got lube and condoms and a fucking douch,” he whisper-yelled, surprised and a little embarrassed. “Like I was expecting mum to just tell me to be careful and get checked regularly I didn’t think she’d get her friend to make me a fucking bottoming care package.” 

“You’re kidding?” Phil said with a laugh, barely catching his breath.

“No!” he shrieked, “I mean I knew I wanted to but like I didn’t think she’d encourage it.”

“That’s hilarious, I love your mum.”

“She’s really great.” 

“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow,” Phil said after a long pause, “I miss your hugs.” 

“I miss everything about you,” Dan whispered back.

“We can skip dinner and just cuddle all night if you want?” 

“Let’s just order a pizza and watch a movie, I don’t want to go out. We have a whole week to go out,” he said and then exhaled long and hard thinking about how wonderful it will be to have Phil back in his arms.

“I love you,” Phil said, and Dan could hear his smile through the phone. 

“I love you more,” he replied, feeling his heart flutter. 

Phil let out a small puff of air and Dan could hear him roll over to his side in his bed. “Shouldn’t you go to sleep? Don’t you have school tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, it’s only 11 though.”

“I’m tired,” he replied. 

“Go to bed then silly,” Dan giggled. 

“I love your voice too much to sleep.”

“I have to read a Hamlet for my English final, want me to read it out loud to you?” Dan offered. 

“Could you?” 

“Yeah let me grab my book hold on,” he said, putting his phone down and grabbing the book from his desk. 

He opened it to a random page, he finished it weeks ago. He loved it, he wished he could play Hamlet in a play one day like he did Benvolio in Romeo and Juliet.

“Ready?” he asked. 

Phil hummed in response, Dan could hear him settling into his bed more. 

“ I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it was

never acted; or, if it was, not above once; for the

play, I remember, pleased not the million; 'twas

caviare to the general: but it was--as I received

it, and others, whose judgments in such matters

cried in the top of mine--an excellent play, well

digested in the scenes, set down with as much

modesty as cunning. I remember, one said there

were no sallets in the lines to make the matter

savoury, nor no matter in the phrase that might

indict the author of affectation; but called it an

honest method, as wholesome as sweet, and by very

much more handsome than fine. One speech in it I

chiefly loved: 'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido; and

thereabout of it especially, where he speaks of

Priam's slaughter: if it live in your memory, begin

at this line: let me see, let me see--

'The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,'--

it is not so:--it begins with Pyrrhus:--

'The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,

Black as his purpose, did the night resemble

When he lay couched in the ominous horse,

Hath now this dread and black complexion smear'd

With heraldry more dismal; head to foot

Now is he total gules; horridly trick'd

With blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons,

Baked and impasted with the parching streets,

That lend a tyrannous and damned light

To their lord's murder: roasted in wrath and fire,

And thus o'er-sized with coagulate gore,

With eyes like carbuncles, the hellish Pyrrhus

Old grandsire Priam seeks.'

So, proceed you.”

“Your voice is beautiful,” Phil murmured, his voice filled with sleep, Dan could only imagine him holding his pillow tight, his blankets up around his ears, his eyes closed. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Now go to sleep, love.”

“I love you, Dan, more than words can describe.”

“I love you too,” Dan said, trying not to cry, his heartfelt so full. 

“Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, see you tomorrow.” 

Phil hung up the phone. Dan put his book down, he turned off his lights and he shimmied under his covers. He was excited for tomorrow, he was excited for the whole week. He couldn’t wait to see Phil again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've stopped writing for the phandom, sorry for the abrupt ending.


End file.
